The Hit List: Uh oh. Mom and Dad are coming
The Hit List: Uh oh. Mom and Dad are coming

Hooray! It’s Family Weekend at the University of Colorado!

You know you’re excited. This means Mom and Dad’s credit card will be like three feet away from you at all times.

Oh right, you missed them, too.

But now it’s time for free meals, winter clothes and stocking up the refrigerator.

But first, you little delinquents, we have some serious preparation to do.

This will be probably the first time an authority figure will be checking your place out since you’ve settled. Well, besides that cop that busted that killer party last weekend.

Take a deep breath. We can do this. And by we, I mean you. I have better things to do.

Here are five ways to prepare your place before Mom and Dad raid it.

1 Refrigerator

Mom and Dad will look in your fridge. Well, Mom will for sure. She wants to make sure you are nourishing your growing body with vitamins. Go to the store and snag some cheap frozen veggies, a head of lettuce, canned goods, lunch meat and milk. This can be a less than $20 trip and that lecture will wash down better with milk than a beer-stocked fridge. Especially if you’re underage. Sinners.

2 Decor

Flattening and stapling PBR 30-pack boxes to your wall can be construed as art. Hey, not judging here, it’s your prerogative. However, Mom and Dad will think it looks trashy. Plus, they’ll mentally count how many boxes are up there and figure out how much you drink on a regular basis. Not good. Take those down, along with that “Legalize it” tapestry embellished with a large pot leaf. They’re old fashioned. They don’t understand.

3 Febreze

Tisk, tisk for taking up smoking while in college. Hey, it happens. The fact that you’ve gotten pretty lazy over the last few weeks and started smoking in front of the tube is what the problem is. Well, for now. We’ll talk to your lungs later. Go get some air freshener, candles, incense, blowtorch, what have you, to get rid of the smoke smell and whatever the hell that stench is that’s coming from under your bed.

4 Clean

No need to hire a maid. You’re a college student. You’re poor. And stop being lazy! What is your place? Like 500 square feet? Just tidy up a bit and make the place look livable. Mom and Dad don’t want to think they raised a slob. Tip: Place some Colorado Dailys on the coffee table. It’s a good time.

5 Cook

Pretend like you’re capable of adult tasks and that you don’t eat at Taco Bell and Abo’s every day. Cook the parents a meal one night. It’s just one. Relax. Sure you can’t cook, but here’s some help: Get fresh vegetables from the store (green onions, carrots, broccoli, mushrooms and bell peppers to start), grab some Minute Rice, soy sauce (or a curry mix), chicken, beef or tofu and grill that all up into a stir fry. It’s simple. It’s tasty. It’s cheap. You make me proud.