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Somebody stop Madonna. She s opening a chain of gyms.
Kathy Willens
Somebody stop Madonna. She s opening a chain of gyms.

More Headaches

Christy Fantz dishes the dirt daily on her Hollywood Headaches blog, at .

I’m not armed!

That bitch came from out of nowhere.

Madonna is slated to open a chain of gyms around the world, called Hard Candy Fitness Centers, where she’ll be merging “fitness with entertainment.”

I’m verklempt. Slash petrified. Hold me.

The pairing of fitness and entertainment is one fine mess. Look! A pair of oxymorons. Neat.

“Fitness” should never be within stumbling distance of “entertainment.” (Dammit, I lost my buzz.)

Plus, naming a steroid-filled sweatshop, “Hard Candy,” reeks of processed cheese food.

The singer teamed up with 24 Hour Fitness founder Mark Mastrov, who said “Madonna’s touch will be everywhere.”

Clearly. Those lumpy biceps can touch anything from anywhere. I just mistook them for hovering cauliflower bunches in the employee breakroom buying a Red Bull.


Not so hot in ‘The City’

A spin-off of a spin-off of a spin-off has come to a close.

MTV has canceled Whitney Port’s “The City.”

I was just as surprised when Ryan Seacrest came out of the closet. Wait. He’s still tooling around in there. Can somebody tell him it’s glass?

The spin-off of “The Hills” (a spin-off of “Laguna Beach”) followed Port in New York’s fashion industry. Guess it didn’t strike much fancy?

Apparently a recipe of a saltless “actress” in Port whisked with a conniving creator in Adam DiVello didn’t quite create a working “script.”

Bewilderment, ensue.

This ends the “reality” soaps that were held together by Lauren Conrad and clan for the network.

Now we can quarantine those sluts in a Port-O-Let with that lunatic Spencer Pratt, quipped with a machete.

What? They have split ends. Trying to help here.


Sheen can do no wrong

Clank those champagne glasses, Charlie Sheen has reason to celebrate!

He’s had a spanning lifetime of (alleged!) drug and alcohol abuse, assault, threatening behavior, violence, jail and more trips to rehab than your face has to the porcelain after nine beer bongs.

Said discordant career snagged him a two-year contract with “Two and a Half Men” for $1.88 million per episode.

Sweet. Let’s break shit!

Tuesday morning Sheen was hospitalized on an alleged coke/prostitute/booze bender after he was found in a trashed New York hotel room drunk and naked.

(He should crochet that into a pillow and give it to his mom.)

Fret not. ABC has the check in hand. He clearly can do no wrong.

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