Jason DeCrow
Fergie graces Glamour magazine s Women of the Year issue.

Glamour magazine chose its Women of the Year.

Finally. My serenity was getting chilly.

The influential lassie topping the list has the honor of gracing three different covers of the December issue.

Nope, not Tina Fey. Michelle Obama? No. Not Oprah, either. (Good guess on Dina Lohan, though.)


As in Sarah Ferguson of the Black Eyed Peas?

Yes. As in Sarah Ferguson of the Black Eyed Peas.

Dude, I can rattle off four women who deserve this more than a recovering meth addict who can’t spell “tasty.” (T, to the A, to the S-T-E-Y.) Wince.

Betty White, Lady Gaga, Jane Lynch, Tom Cruise.

Sidebar: Fergalicious, discontinue spelling words in songs. Let’s push past rudimentary. I have faith in you.

No. No, I don’t. Good talk.

Kid Rock spews

Have a seat. Kid Rock just said something intelligent.

Just don’t hold your breath.

“He’s a sacred American institution of rock ‘n’ roll, and he just threw it all out the window. Just stomped on it and set it on fire,” Kid told Entertainment Weekly of Steven Tyler’s decision to be a judge on “American Idol.”

Yeah! What he said.

It appears Tyler’s fall off a concert stage last summer did, in fact, cause permanent damage. He called the new TV gig a “dream come true” in September.

Oh, don’t you worry. We’re humiliated for you.

“I think whoever’s advising him, we should bring back the guillotine, or whatever they call that thing,” Kid Rock said.

And he’s back.

Look, I told you not to hold your breath.

Murdering music

Kim Kardashian is rumored to be in the studio recording an “album.”


Pause again.

Apologies. Had to make a quick technicolor yawn* jaunt to the trash bin after an aggressive bout of laughter.

On a serious note, Heidi Montag is working on her second album.

Hold please.

Dammit, now my esophagus burns.

*Puke, laymen.

Quote of the week

“I’ve never been a big spender anyway. It’s nice, all the luxury. But it’s nicer to stay grounded. I need my roots. If you don’t have that, you lose your sense of balance,” said Susan Boyle who, after accumulating $15 million thus far, has decided to be put on an $450-a-week allowance.

Oh, shut the hell up. I’ll give you some roots. They’re blonde under this faux black mess.

I want to punch you in the tit. No, I’m not angry. I just have to go wash down some Minute Rice with McCormick vodka.

Christy Fantz’s Hollywood Headaches runs every Tuesday in the Colorado Daily.

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