Matt Sayles
Hollywood Headaches: Queen Dakota Fanning

Quit your bitching.

So, princess, mom forced you into the pageant circuit growing up?

Acting 25 years old at a flat-chested 6? Oh, shove a pacifier in it.

At least your talent will skyrocket to the Chili Cookoff Queen, with a possible stab at the local VFW Miss August.

As for homecoming queen?

More Headaches

Christy Fantz dishes the dirt daily on her Hollywood Headaches blog.


Sure, it’s all candy and nuts as reigning broad of high school until your ego gets maimed by that damn Hollywood star who decides to have a “high school experience.”


Actress Dakota Fanning, a cheerleader and student at Campbell Hall in Hollywood, was crowned homecoming queen Saturday night.

Meanwhile, the remaining female high schoolers faux beamed with a veiled fury of inferno, which won’t subside until that bitch graduates.

Then they can finally pull their self-esteem out of their underwear drawer and rest assured their boyfriends are no longer eye-screwing Dakota. (Well, at least in the flesh.)

Oh, Love

Courtney Love made quite the spectacle at a Haitian school fundraiser.

Um. Whoever invited Love to this shindig needs to burn this analogy in their head: Love at a fundraiser parallels Bill Maher at church. His flesh would explode like Love’s pulse on blow.

She began with a bidding war against Gerard Butler for a tea date with Adrien Brody. She won.

Now Adrien, don’t get your testes in a twist (although it’s clearly defensible). You’re probably off the hook. She forgot where she was that night.

Then, the rocker won a bid for a walk-on part in filmmaker Paul Haggis’ next project.

Funny, I just saw the script swiftly face-plant into a vat of sulfuric acid.

Another tragic — albeit warranted — screenplay suicide.

Next, after stumbling around from table to table, she reportedly rummaged through the performing female bands’ purses in the dressing room, in search of makeup.

Ladies, toss that polluted shit.

What? Of course you already did. For hygienic reasons. You make me proud.

Elton, eat your words

Elton John said he’s not a fan of talent shows and that “X Factor” is “boring and ass-paralysingly brain crippling.”

Well, well, well. Look who had a change of heart.

All that producer Simon Cowell needed was to dangle some greens from an oversized pair of Alain Mikli eyeglasses. Now, where does Elton sign?

Next Saturday’s show will feature contestants performing the singer’s biggest hits.

Sell out?

Ah, hell. Money can buy anything.

Oh, shut up, optimist. I’m right.

Christy Fantz’s Hollywood Headaches runs every Wednesday in the Colorado Daily.

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