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CRAIG F. WALKER
A traveler gets his junk man-handled at Denver International Airport this week.

Fall break. Finally.

Now it’s time for a little groping and fondling.

Since many of you are flying somewhere for break, you’re most likely going to get felt up by a stranger at airport security. Score. Time for some action.

Since you’ve been facedown in the toilet the past few weeks, let’s elaborate: The Transportation Security Administration recently enforced new security policies.

The new measures invasively pat passengers down (everywhere) if they opt out of the full-body scanner — which shows passengers pretty much naked.

So let’s screw with these guys. It’ll be fun.


1
Pasties

Do the full-body scan and wear pasties. With tassels. Hot pink ones. Dudes, I’m mainly talking to you. Feel free to do a little jig in the contraption — but not too ridiculous, you won’t want to get arrested. Go in front of the mirror and practice twirling those tassels around beforehand. Wear a loose shirt so the pasties can swing free. Wink at the guy screening you while you’re doing it.


2
Thong

Again, dudes, I’m talking to you. A sexy woman’s thong will be nothing but genius to wear through the body scan. Pack a pair of tighty whities — or whatever strikes your fancy — in your carry-on so you don’t have to fly four hours with fabric up your ass. Us chicks are used to it. You? Not so much.


3
Body art

Draw random shit all over your body with a black Sharpie and go through the body scan. I’m talking like unicorns, robots, hearts, phallic symbols, boobs and rainbows. Write a message on your back that reads, “Smoking lounge bathroom. You. Me. 15 minutes. Concourse C.” Or, something like, “I’m currently pooping my pants. Seriously. Look.”


4
Tuck it/add it

And now for the pat down. Guys, tuck it. Girls, add it. Word is, patting, moving, lifting and fondling will happen. Make those guys think you’re missing — or sporting — some genitals. Ladies, use some creativity here, like some summer sausage or a couple squishy stress balls. Maybe don’t use the sausage. That’s gross.


5
Bare it

We’re not quite positive what the exact rules are for clothing in airports, but try to wear as few as possible. Don’t go nude, you’ll go to jail. But who says you can’t wear a bikini? Maybe you can’t, but why not? They’re going to see (or feel) everything anyway. Girls, wear a mini skirt with no underwear. Dudes, wear a traditional kilt and go natural underneath.

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