On Thanksgiving Eve — which is a real holiday that I maybe just made up — I met a dude named Dave who regularly reads this column.
He said he liked it so much that he held off perusing it immediately and instead saved it for long trips to the bathroom during work. I was informed by his girlfriend that this was high praise.
The next day, Dave sent me a recipe.
Getting free recipes from readers is the reason I do this, so I’m glad things are finally trending my way.
Recipes are valuable, since I currently only know how to cook five things.
I can make:
1. Sweet potatoes with whiskey
2. Spaghetti with marinara, too much meat and often too many peppers
3. Red chili — with and without corn
4. Green coconut curry
Oh, and then a second kind of sweet potatoes, thanks to Reader Dave
So, actually, I can make six things.
Cooking isn’t something I wade into very often, mostly because I hate leftovers and all of my recipes are things no human woman should consume in full during a single day, such as a whole cake. Also I do not like doing dishes very much.
So I only cook when trying to impress a dude I like who happens to be at my house and is hungry for something besides ramen or a can of soup.
Unfortunately, I have to ensure I don’t like the guy that much, because after the fifth time he comes to my house, I am out of recipes and have to make up shit about how it’s a tradition in my house to make chili on that day.
If he points out the fact that it is Thursday and he was over last Monday when I said, “Monday is Chili Day,” I point out the fact that there is someone at the door with a present for him, but in order to get it, he has to go outside and shut the door behind him.
Then I open a can of soup and a beer and watch a movie.
Otherwise, I bust out the pots and pans on special occasions only. Is it your birthday? I shall make cake. Are we having a potluck? Would you like chili, spaghetti or green curry?
And for Thanksgiving every year, I make my whiskey sweet potatoes. I make a LOT of whiskey sweet potatoes. One year, I made sweet potatoes for three different Thanksgiving gatherings, and felt like a potato fairy, but I a little drunken potato fairy because the recipe requires taking shots in between the actual cooking directions.
This year I made three pans of sweet potatoes, but wisely left two of the three pans at other people’s houses. This way, they have to wash them.
I’ve been thinking lately that maybe I should start making my five recipes more often and taking them around to other people’s houses and leaving the dishes there. That way, I’d eat less soup and more potatoes, but without the dishes and leftover dilemmas.
The other answer is obviously to find a way to make smaller portions of food, so I can eat the entire thing in one sitting. So I’m considering a cookbook purchase.
But if you also read this column regularly in the bathroom like Reader Dave, maybe you could just send me a recipe.
Jeanine Fritz writes about the culinary arts every Friday in the Colorado Daily. E-mail recipes to email@example.com.