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Study for finals. And don t be a jackass.
MARTY CAIVANO
Study for finals. And don t be a jackass.



Congrats! You’re done with school.

False alarm. Finals. Bloody finals.

Whether you’ve been through this dreadful time handfuls of semesters before or it’s your first time (aw, freshmen virgins), there are some things you need to know.

Stay sober, stay focused and show up.

You know these things already, yet choose to pay no regard to them — so we’re here to drill it into your head one last time.

Here are four “don’ts” and a “do” when taking your finals.

Good luck. You are in desperate need of it.

1 Don’t cheat

Oh, it’s so tempting to sit next to the smart nerd who answers every question, write answers on your thigh or have your journalism friends write your papers — but it’s not worth it. The University of Colorado is expensive! Even for you in-staters.

If you’re caught violating the school’s honor code, you are subject to probation, suspension or expulsion. Yeah, that’ll be a fun Christmas dinner conversation with mom and dad. Be a good student and study.

2 Don’t drink

Sure, there’s only three hours before your last exam and then you’re all finished. However, this doesn’t mean it’s time to get tanked. Just keep your pants on and wait a few hours.

Yeah, yeah. All your buddies are done and are getting boozy at The Sink, but you can’t walk into an exam on blackout. One beer leads to pitchers and shots. You know this. Stay sober, you’re almost done.

3 Don’t do Adderall

The prescription drug — used to treat narcolepsy and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder — has always been popular among college students trying to remain alert while studying. This drug is highly addictive. With your self-inflicted lack of control, addictive personality and penchant for alcohol, this all spells out hot mess. Plus, side effects include diarrhea and loss of libido. Abort mission.

4 Don’t get stoned

Don’t do it. That urban myth — “If you’re high when you’re studying, you have to be high to take the test” — is bullshit. It’s just an excuse for you damn stoners to smoke weed all the time.

During the exam, you’ll answer a question about ancient Rome, then start craving Italian food, which will foray into a hardcore daydream about that sausage Totino’s Party Pizza in your fridge. Then you’ll remember you want to Netflix “Goodfellas.” Time’s up. You’re screwed.

5 Show up

You have been studying for 27 hours. This damn class has killed you all semester. All you need is a “C” to pass this wretched thing. You are so pumped up with caffeine. You are delirious and slaphappy. Oh dear. You pass out an hour before your test and don’t wake up. Balls! Keep it together. You’re almost done. Just make sure to show up for the test.

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