Apre-ski. The best part of skiing?

Hot toddy. That’s totally something your grandma would say.

Alas, this is just the type of drink you’ll want to sip on apres-ski. (French for after skiing, laymen.)

After a long day of face planting in powder, the ski lodge bar is always available for you to swig down $8 beers and lollygag with those pretentious gapers.

But we’re better than that. That old dude with a pipe and a glass of brandy is hitting on you while boasting about his yacht in San Diego.

Instead, head back to that three-bedroom condo you split with 27 people (nice work on cost efficiency) and whip up your own apres-ski drinks.

Make them hot and strong, but make sure to stray from the schnapps. We aren’t in high school anymore. We want grown-up drinks here.

Here are five sizzling drinks that will impress your frozen friends.

1 Hot buttered rum

This beverage is nothing short of liquid gold. However, it’s your diet’s dreadful foe. Oh, get over it, you’ll work it off on the slopes tomorrow.

Get this: 1 cup of sugar, 1 cup of brown sugar, 1 cup of butter, 2 cups of vanilla ice cream, rum and water.

Do this: Cook sugar, brown sugar and butter in a saucepan over low heat until butter is melted. Mix the warm concoction with the ice cream, pour one quarter in a mug, add some rum (be generous) and fill the rest with boiling water.

2 Adult hot cocoa

It’s like coming in from sledding in the back yard to a warm cup of cocoa, but this time around it’s better because it impairs our judgement. Go booze!

Get this: Kahlua, hot cocoa and whipped cream.

Do this: Mix Kahlua and cocoa in a cup and top with whipped cream. Don’t be afraid to go inexpensive with the powdered Swiss Miss. That heavy-handed pour of Kahlua you added will overpower those stale marshmallows.

3 Irish coffee

Caffeine and alcohol are the perfect combo for the laggers. After a tough day of windburn and bruises (please, you’re no Shaun White), these kids will need a jolt.

Get this: Irish whiskey (or Kentucky Deluxe — we don’t judge), sugar, coffee and whipped cream.

Do this: Top off the whiskey-filled coffee (sugar to taste) with whipped cream. If you can’t handle the whiskey like a big kid, use Bailey’s instead. Now go hide in a corner for being a big baby.

4 Hot cider

Ah, hot cider. A drink so reminiscent of picking apples in the orchard and going on hayrides… no? Oops, daydreaming here.

Get this: 1 cup of apple cider, whiskey, a cinnamon stick, 1 teaspoon of honey.

Do this: Heat all ingredients in a saucepan until simmered (don’t boil). Pour into a mug and get drunk. Um, we mean enjoy.

5 Grog

Arrrgh matey! Be a swashbucklin’ pirate and make yer mateys some grog. Swig that sauce out of a big stein and swing your arm around whilst speaking pirate. (You may get locked out on the balcony. Not my problem.)

Get this: Rum (be liberal), 1 teaspoon sugar, juice from one squeezed lime, a cinnamon stick and boiling water.

Do this: Stir all ingredients together and add enough boiling water to fill the mug. Ahoy, me hearties, enjoy!

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