So, Valentine’s Day inspired you this year.
Inspired you to get the shit out of Dodge and away from your cheating ex.
You never liked people anyway. Except that guy in “Into the Wild.” He was rad, even if he died alone in a bus. So is Eddie Vedder, because he did the soundtrack.
After this Valentine’s Day, being alone in a bus in the wilderness sounds like the perfect way to nurture your bitterness.
Here are five tips for a solo outdoor escape for the V-Day jaded:
1 Guage your bitterness
Before you choose a solo outdoor journey, check in to see how bitter you really are.
Which of the following is true for you?:
1. You want to ride your bike from Boulder to Ushuaia, leaving today, no planning.
2. You want to ride your bike in the Tour de France, and you want to train today.
3. You want to ride your bike to Liquor Mart for cheap whiskey.
If you answered No. 3, just do it and don’t worry — you’re normal.
No. 2? You squash anxiety via exercise. Very Boulder of you. You’re OK. Stay put and work it out.
No. 1: Plan a long solo trip to a dangerous place. You probably can’t function normally in society right now. I hear Pakistan is lovely in the spring.
2 Commit anew
Your girlfriend says she left you on Valentine’s Day because you can’t commit. So commit now to your solo journey on the Colorado Trail. (So what if it’s winter and you don’t own snowshoes.)
All you need you can carry on your back. That’s the beauty of a solo backpacking journey. Get rid of all that baggage.
How’s that for commitment, Sherry? Huh? Huh?
Not good enough? Commit to any climbing or skiing trip in which you could fall through pack ice into an ocean, get eaten by a polar bear or have to eat your partner to stay alive. Make sure the bush plane won’t be back again until June.
You should have just gone to Liquor Mart, drama queen.
3 Go Luddite
Embrace a strict contrarian ethos about Facebook, email and anything else that could connect you to others. You’re going to be outside solo, communing with nature.
And communing with the black spot your ex left on your wounded soul. Fucker. Might as well throw out technology — you threw your laptop out the front door of Trident when you saw that stupid heart when he changed his relationship status to “single.”
Now move into a teepee outside of Crested Butte. Somewhere with no cell service. He never appreciated skiing there.
Fucker. Why doesn’t he call? Give my phone back.
4 Let yourself go
No need to shower or brush your hair for your solo wilderness journey. That would interrupt your connection with the earth.
Aw. You smell natural.
Stay jaded. You aren’t attracting anything but curious raccoons.
5 Fuel the fury
Once gone, fuel the anger that drove you out there by focusing on how your sweetheart screwed you over.
This isn’t healthy. But neither was your OD on peyote on your animal-guide journey through the Flatirons…and Twenty Ninth Street Mall (peyote left you hungry for Chipotle).
Come home. Valentine’s Day is over. Live in today, not the past. Like the raccoons.
Besides, your next Valentine might be at Liquor Mart right now.