Joel Ryan
FILE – In this April 23, 2009 file photo, singer and actress Miley Cyrus, left and her father musician Billy Ray Cyrus, arrive for the British Premiere of the film ‘”Hannah Montana”, at a Leicester Square cinema, in London. (AP Photo/Joel Ryan, file)

More Headaches

Christy Fantz dishes the dirt daily on her Hollywood Headaches blog, at coloradodaily.com .

Billy Ray’s heart is all achy, breaky and shit.

He cried to GQ mag about his deteriorating family.

Granted, we care more about Mrs. and Mrs. Wentz’s impending divorce (please, like I’d pass this one up — see below), but Billy is not too pleased the direction the Cyrus clan has headed.

He said they’re “under attack by Satan.”

Lucifer took a lunch break from battering cancer patients to assault the Cyrus clan.

“I’m scared for [Miley],” he said. “She’s got a lot of people around her that’s putting her in a great deal of danger … I want to get her sheltered from the storm.”

It could be worse. Your fam could be riding the white pony to the nightclub with the Lohans. (You would ride bitch, of course. Shotgun houses Mama Lohan’s fluorescent lamps. Gotta stay orange.)

Cyrus’ pole-dancing daughter (allegedly) smoked salvia, had her 18th birthday party at a bar and his wife was (allegedly) banging Brett Michaels (up for intense debate. I could care less).

He told GQ “Hannah Montana,” “destroyed my family… the damn show destroyed my family.”

It destroyed my allegiance to Walt Disney. Nope. That happened soon after “Kids Incorporated.” An ’80s show. Go back to sleep.

Frankie goes bananas

Monkey in the middle (allegedly) punched his girlfriend over “prior relationships,” according to a report filed in Phoenix.

Reportedly, Frankie Muniz got into an intense fight with his girlfriend, held a loaded gun to his head and later “punched her,” according to a police report obtained by TMZ.

Prior relationships? At least fight about something good. Like Muniz quitting acting in 2008 to become a race car driver.*

And right, it’s “Malcom in the Middle.”

(Digression: Monkey in the middle was always a good time for me. I was never in the middle because of a circus-freak tall attribute.)

However, a rep for the couple told Us mag that the gun played no part and there were no bruises.

“He was not suicidal. She was not assaulted. They have been together since the incident.”

Good news.

Now go drive that car around and around in circles. Pass us a Busch Light when you’re done.

*In other redneck new: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is returning to WWE’s WrestleMania. Consider my breath held.

Oh, Wentz

The Simpson-Wentzes filed for divorce.

Pete, I’ll give you one free pass for your grieving and not call you a woman today.

Oh dear. I already did. See above.

Gaga goes Madonna

Lady Gaga is getting flack from some about her new tune, “Born This Way,” as a Madonna “Express Yourself” rip-off.

Haven’t heard the song or read the lyrics, but it makes me chuckle thinking about a grown woman shooting out of Mama Gaga’s uterus clothed in beef.

Good talk.

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