Put your Bolder Boulder training on hold this Saturday. Skiing? Pshaw. It can wait. There’s an athletic event that calls for all of your physical prowess and mental acuity that should not be missed:
Icy Turkey Bowling.
You can totally win this. (And you don’t stand a chance at the Bolder Boulder, Billy Beergut. You should switch to lite beer and tofurkey.) But you’ll have to give up a day of training, because you’ll have to drive to Ned for Frozen Dead Guy Days and commit to a strict pre-bowling routine.
If you’re in it to win it, try these five tips for fowl-flinging success:
1 Warm up
Icy Turkey Bowling starts at 3 p.m. on Saturday. Which means you have plenty of time to get sauced in the beer tent, which will make you think it’s a good idea to do the polar plunge at 1, then thaw out and sober up and still have a proper warm-up for hitting the pins.
Wait — all of that sounds like a proper warm-up for rolling a frozen turkey at bowling pins. Just do that.
You’re warm (and still a little sauced), so go limber up at Twiceter, which is from 1 to 4 p.m. It’s Twister, but with “ice” thrown in. Kind of like there’s no “I” in “team,” or no turkey in tofurkey.
Anyway, you won’t want to pull a hammy throwing a turkey.
Crickets? Whatever, just stretch. Smug bastards.
3 Choose your weapon
Choose a turkey that suits you. Weight-wise, select a bird how you’d select a bowling ball. Other things to keep in mind:
A 20-pound turkey feeds a family of four for a week, or me for three days.
A free-range bird will knock out the pins with a smile rather than vengeance.
Your mom is still mad you didn’t come home for Thanksgiving.
4 Visualize the strike
Sports psychologists say visualization training is a powerful tool for all athletes.
See the turkey rolling toward the pins. See it curve at the end to clobber all ten pins. See the crowd go wild, your boyfriend handing you a congratulatory beer.
If you are morally vegetarian or vegan, use this time to see yourself buying a tofurkey at Whole Foods tonight to leave on the doorstep of this girl in the visualization above, along with a note about the exploitation of turkeys.
5 Use your mojo
You can’t aim a turkey. Even frozen, it’s legs will most likely flop akimbo as it bumps down the icy lane. Use your mojo to direct your bumbling bird instead.
Vegetarians and vegans: Form your tofurkey into a perfectly aim-able ball Friday night, then freeze for bowling. Those murderous meat-eaters will finally pay. Smug bastards.