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Ask Christy

Christy Fantz has relationship advice and she’s not afraid to dish it out. Send your questions to fantz@coloradodaily.com .

Dear Christy,

Whenever I get drunk, I always cook the weirdest shit. Like pickles, croutons and mustard in Easy Mac. My girlfriend gets pissed at me all the time. Should I put a lock on my pantry?

– Smashed chef

Drunken gourmet:

Put a webcam in your kitchen. Pure comedy.

After a long day of being the couch, a 12-pack sounds like dinner. Eating wine is easier than slaving over Ramen.

Then, when the hunger strikes, make that fridge your bitch.

You’ll French kiss my pants for this tip: Keep tortillas stocked.

Every edible item tastes like sex wrapped in endorphins. Even minestrone soup. (Heed: This will go awry. Soup slides. Plus, the face-open concoction doesn’t double well as a couch cushion. I tested it.)

Don’t lock your pantry. Drunk cooking is funny. Just note:

Tip un: Boiling water on the stove evaporates during a “nap” on the couch. (Yeah, yeah. Just resting your eyes.) The pan will melt onto the burner. It wasn’t me. I swear. (Tip counterpoint: A burner with molten copper makes neat art.)

Tip deux: Passing out with a frozen pizza in the oven may burn down the house. (Tip counterpoint: You acquired a smelly black Frisbee.)

Tip trois: If you’re thirtysomething, you may have problems. (Tip counterpoint: Nah. You’re just rad.)

P.S. Your Easy Mac sounds delish.

Dear Christy,

I have a confession. I am a straight guy with a girlfriend but I have a man-crush on Kellan Lutz. He’s ripped, sexy and an extreme skateboarder. He’s a total package with luscious lips. Am I weird?

-Straight, I swear

As an arrow, I’m sure:

A man comfortable to admit a man-crush is tops.

It’s those homophobes who secretly yank it to Zac Efron — after the GF is passed out drunk, facedown on the dog — who are the ones with the problem.

But, Kellan Lutz? Come on, dude.

If the fantasy candlelit dinner must be at “Twilight,” opt for Robert Pattinson’s cardboard cutout gaze adjacent the magnolias.

It appears your man-crush may be penetrating his man lips.

Get a room.

Good talk.

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