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Top o’ tha foreskin to ya!

Uh. I mean mornin’.

Those who preach, “St. Paddy’s Day is for amateurs,” are simply jealous.

On the greenest day of the year, everyone can be Irish, and nobody cares.

If true Irish lads and lassies cry foul, ask if they’re straight off the boat. (We didn’t think so.)

Since every large city in the U.S. claims they have the “third biggest” St. Patrick’s Day parade , we’re going to pimp out Denver.

This Saturday at 10 a.m., Denver will turn green with more than 10,000 marchers through the streets of downtown in its 49th year.

Drunken pirates, leprechauns, fire trucks (mmm, firemen), Irish dancers, bagpipes and more cruise around for a couple hours while all you shitfaced spectators vie for green beads (Mardi Gras is over, assholes).

Now if you still think St. Paddy’s Day is for amateurs, kindly piss off. It’s our excuse to get drunk at 10 a.m.

Info: Saturday at 10 a.m.; Begins at 27th and Blake Sts. in downtown Denver;

Savage Craic

Craic: Gaelic for fun. Or something like that.

It’s pronounced “crack.” Let’s get on that savage crack, bitches.

I’m not off the boat, but my freckled skin tells me I have some Irish inside me. (And may later tonight. Ahem.)

Fado , 1735 19th St., Denver, clears out a gigantic parking lot, fills it with tents and forces gallons of booze down that hatch.

Really, it’s that damn enabler of an arm that incessantly drops Baileys shots into half-pints of Guinness. Self-destruction is neat. (Doing Denver is only here to babble and is not an authority on your personal health.)

Fado’s week of Savage Craic begins tonight and runs through March 17. If I see you there every night, Betty Ford’s telly will get a jingle. Pace yourself.

Rugby on the tube, authentic Irish food, bagpipers and a bunch of drunken homies decked out in green set the stage.

There will also be awesome local Irish bands, cute little curly-haired shits doing Irish dancing jigs, drunken whitehairs shaking their asses and a slew of horrible outfits.

Now stop puking behind the Porta-Potty. Amateur.

Info: Today-March 17; 303-297-0066; $8-20.

Screw downtown

That chick with the “Fuck me I’m Irish” shirt just missed the trashcan and heaved on your green Chucks.

Alas, a puke chain has been born. Time to get out of downtown.

If you’re looking for (a little) less mainstream, head to The Irish Snug, 1201 E. Colfax Ave., Denver. The Capitol Hill Hooley will host live bands, pipers and dancers all day and night.

However, it will be packed. At least you can avoid that white trash dude who keeps hitting on your girlfriend. Or maybe she should just put her rack away.

Info: Saturday 11 a.m.-2 p.m.; 303-839-1394.