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Ask Christy

Christy Fantz has relationship advice and she’s not afraid to dish it out. Send your questions to .

Dear Christy,

My girlfriend’s mom’s huge double Ds are causing problems. One, I can’t stop staring at them every time I see her. Two, it makes it difficult for me to make “your mom” jokes because she is really sensitive about her mom’s huge boobs. I love “your mom” jokes. What do I do?

-DD love

Rack of love:

I hope one day my future daughter has a boyfriend who ogles my hot rack when I hit age sag.



Firstly, under that full-support Hanes bra, those beasts may not look the way you imagine. Gravity fought age and it unfortunately won. (Unless silicone was a third party in said bitchfight.)

Let’s first discuss “your mom” jokes. I’m a fan.

Funny tangent: I wrote on my buddy’s Facebook page that his mom left her granny panties in my bed last night. She commented on my comment. Oh dear.

Moving along: Is it possible your girlfriend has insecurities about her mom’s rack because your eyes are incessantly faux motorboat that underwire-enhanced cleavage?

If so, her insecurities are understandable. It’s her mom, dude. That’s disgusting. She suckled those teats as a pup.

Feel free to take a nonchalant glance every now and then. (Glance, I said.)

However, if you don’t unglue your pair from her pair, sadly, “your mom” jokes will have to take a nap until you can control those wandering ojos.

Your mom’s wandering ojos. Good one, Fantz.

Dear Christy,

My boyfriend and I are pretty loud when we have sex. Our neighbors started to complain about the noise. The problem is, I’m a screamer and I can’t help it.



Oh neighbors. Mother fuzzing neighbors. I hate them.

Not everyone is a 9-5er.


Some people get off work at 1 a.m., eat dinner at 2 a.m. and do dishes and take the trash out at 3 a.m. Some people then hear those fuckers stomping around in heels upstairs at 5 a.m. after just nodding off.

Not bitter here. (Wax on, wax off.)

We live in a society. We need to be respectful of our fellow citizens. Blah, blah, blah.

Consideration calls for you to stalk their schedule. Step two is nailing while they’re awake. They can’t complain. It’s 3 p.m.

Let’s share a duplex downtown. Then when I drunken clank around dishes, you won’t bitch because you’re too busy screamgasming.

Our neighbors need to get laid.

Good talk.