Christy Fantz dishes the dirt daily on her Hollywood Headaches blog, at coloradodaily.com .
The incessant press ramblings of the royal wedding makes me want to punch Britain in the junk.
“Meet Pippa Middleton, the Maid of Honor.” “Family pictures of Kate Middleton.” “Kate Middleton’s red suit designer: Found!” “Kate Middleton’s Burberry Trench Coat” “Will Kate Middleton Wear a Tiara for the Royal Wedding?” “Make Kate Middleton’s Favorite Sticky Toffee Pudding.”
(Pudding recipe. Finally.)
But, when the hell is she going to take a shit?
Hopefully Prince William sprinkles Propecia in his (or her) sticky pudding. (Those Brits like ’em furry, right?)
Ahem. Condolences, P Dub.
Feed her to the sharks
Why ‘ello Aussie sharks. How are things? Eats been tasty?
Come here, little guy. Who wants a treat?
(Caution: This treat is rumored to taste like a conceit-braised ego, with a tuna-laced mullet aftertaste. Please. Like you’re picky.)
Kate Gosselin’s new episodes of TLC’s “Kate Plus 8,” beginning April 4, shows her trekking around Australia with her little shits doing things like I don’t care. But, she does have an ocean encounter with sharks.
Sharks, do it.
Sure, Charlie Sheen may be more appetizing, but you have too much on your plate. A cocaine addiction will only curb your appetite.
Sidenote: TLC doesn’t stand for “Tender Loving Care.” It stands for “The Learning Channel.” The only thing that network has taught me is that there’s always a chance I could unknowingly pee out a baby.
Big baby Suri
Apparently Suri Cruise, at almost 5, still sucks rubber.
The decision to abandon the pacifier lies in her hands, according to an insider.
“Suri just isn’t told ‘no’ very often. Scientology encourages you to make your own decisions and learn lessons as you live your life. She’ll know herself when it’s time to throw the pacifier away, plain and simple.”
And by “own decisions,” they mean you’ll be crisped to the ass bone if you don’t make the right decision — i.e., their decision.
I can feel it coming in the air tonight. Oh lord.
I know. The only knowledge you have on Phil Collins is Mike Tyson’s infamous crooning of said tune in “The Hangover.” (Damn naivete.)
Anyway, the singer announced his retirement on his website.
He’s been waiting for this moment, for all his life. Oh lord.
(Hush. It was necessary.)
Not Kathy Griffin.
Isaiah Mustafa, the Old Spice Guy, is apparently getting to know Kathy Griffin.
“I think she is amazing!” Mustafa, 37, told Us mag.
I guess that’s just like, your opinion, man.*
However, he said he is single, but a source said, “they both always said that they’re not boyfriend and girlfriend. They’re getting to know each other.”
Maybe he should get to know a hearing aid.
Dating that mouth would be like ogling Carrot Top for hours on end.
*The Dude. If you must ask, go back to sleep.