Y ou love her. You can’t get enough of her.

I’m kick-Heidi-Montag-in-the-crotch jealous of her.

She does my job on TV. Plus, she’s a dirty drunk.

If Chelsea Handler and Tina Fey had spawn I would frame it on my wall. (Piss off, Sir Hate Mail, I said “it.”)

That large mouth, dubbed Chelsea, will be performing standup at the Wells Fargo Theatre, 700 14th St. Denver, tonight.

Damn, that bitch grew Falcor wings. Gone are the days of whiffing her vodka breath three rows back at Comedy Works. (Vodka doesn’t smell. Hence: In my coffee. Ahem. Joke, boss.)

Anyway, now she’s all haughty and shit. Wells Fargo. Sellout.

(Not at all green with jealous rage.)

Anyway, the show (if it hasn’t already) will sell out.

Go laugh at your favorite drunk in Denver tonight.

Oh stop, you. I’m blushing. You’re naughty. (I’ll be pounding a magnum of cheap wine tonight on my front porch. Free and open to the public.)

Postscript: Ms. Handler will be at the Boulder Bookstore , 1107 Pearl St., Boulder, today at 3 p.m. signing her new book, “Lies that Chelsea Handler Told Me.” Try to keep it in your pants, flash mob. 303-447-2074.

Info: Tonight at 8; Wells Fargo Theater is in the Colorado Convention Center downtown; 303-228-8000; $59.50-$69.50.*

*Bloody hell, Chelsea. Take it easy. Yikes.

Free drinks (for chicks)

Got an interesting visit at the bar last night. Your pickled liver sloshed in and plopped belly-up on the next stool. Oh my. My virgin ears. You’re sick.

I promised immunity, but I do know that you like to drink. (Call me.) And since you spent your night job singles on a Chelsea Handler ticket, you could really use a dozen free drinks.

Catch! Gotta have a rack.

Sutra, 1109 Lincoln St., Denver, slings free drinks for ladies on Fridays from 5 p.m.-8 p.m.

Chicks, go throw on that trampfit. (Dudes, go throw on those manboobs and eyeliner. Costco has a killer deal on manboob/eyeliner combos. Pete Wentz-brand sold separately.)

Keep in mind, the dude patrons are probably frugal. They know they don’t have to buy you drinks. Like you’re picky.

Warning: The place — I’ve never graced — is quite possibly doucherific, i.e., LoDo-y, nightclub-y shit. (You know I love dive bars.)

Go put on the Thong song and tear that place apart.

Party in the Highlands

Highland Tap & Burger, 2229 W. 32nd Ave., Denver, is hosting the LoHi Music Festival this weekend.

Friday is Funkin Friday with Juno What, Bop Skizzum and MacPodz. Saturday and Saturday be reggae tunes with SOJA, Thrive and Cas Haley.

The fest is in the parking lot. (See me peeing near the alley Dumpster? Stop looking at my ass.)

Highland it up.

Now get out of my neighborhood.

Info: Friday and Saturday 5-10 p.m.; 720-287-4493; $15 – $35.

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