Ask Christy

Christy Fantz has relationship advice and she’s not afraid to dish it out. Send your questions to .

Dear Christy,

I have a new boyfriend. He’s awesome. He’s always so positive! Like all the time! So much so that I’m getting weirded out. Doesn’t anything ever bum him out? Should I be worried, or should I calm down and try not ruin a perfectly good relationship?

-Cyndi Cynical


Be worried.

Do you need to be held? Come here, you.

Now get off. You smell like a chupacabra corpse.

Your boyfriend is probably one of those dudes who climax-cries and screams love, happiness and light post-coital.

Ah, the rage.

Let’s discuss the difference between positive and, say, me.

Sure. I want to dry hump life like the next drunk. My existence is a good time.

Alas, I do have junctures of sob and wrath (like a horny ostrich who wants to bury its head in a vat of whiskey) on the inside.

And, on occasion, my problems puke on people: i.e., you. (In print.)

Shit goes on in life. Pure positivity is a farce. Farce, I say!

The aforementioned confused beings have red souls — Atomic Fireball-laced inner anger. Mmm.

Be an asshole like us normal people. Push his buttons. See what irks him. Prod his organs with a pair of dull scissors. Verbally abuse his psyche while he’s sleeping. Figuratively punch his heart in the face.

Jeez, take it easy.

Uncage that rage before he explodes (Vin Diesel? Is that you?).

Otherwise, chances of him chopping up those granny panties and burying the pieces in your neighbor’s garden are high to extreme. (Danger.)

Ride it out for a couple months. Once that honeymoon phase takes a shit, perhaps a new side will surface?

Or he’ll realize you are cynical, sweet Cyndi. Life is full of positive shit, you asshole.

Nah. He’s probably just a robot.


Dear Christy,

I’m getting kind of obsessed with my friend’s girlfriend. As in, up at night thinking about her. It’s kind of hard to hang out with the two of them now. What should I do? Try to get her to dump him?

– Desperate


You’re totally that friend who beats it to pixilated cell phone pictures of us, aren’t you?




Put yourself in your BFF’s tighty whities. (Oh, I bet you have.)

What if you had a girlfriend and your BFF was in love with her?

Do not break them up. You’ll lose her respect as well as your best pal.

Your best friend may be in love. Suck it up.

If you can’t be happy, well, there’s always some dude out there who has an extra pair of underwear to fill. Find a new BFF.

Good talk.

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