If our country’s president is to be a representative of the American populace, then Sarah Palin’s recent Revere-nt gaff about imaginary bells and guns firing off in lieu of the more historically accurate alternating lighting scheme might have just gotten her elected come 2013. Or, wait, no… 2012? (Sorry, I don’t watch a lot of TV.)
Regardless of “accuracy” of “dates,” being that Boulderites are well-known as frothing political junkies, we thought it time to reveal:
1 It’ll be hilarious
Being that only half of those eligible to vote in the 2008 presidential election actually bothered to do so (an all-time high of recent times!), it’s becoming evermore clear that the only people who have any real faith in the sanctity of the country’s highest office are those who are either fervent fans of “The Daily Show” or who go to church more than twice a week. The rest of us just sit back, pointing fingers and laughing, awaiting the thankfully imminent collapse of our crumbling government so that we can finally start all over again with a system that might actually work this time round. Go Palin!
2 Alaska is awesome
More than just a fantastic roman a clef by James Michener, believe it or not, the great state of Alaska is actually a… uh, great… state. Of America! It’s one of the newer states, of course, so it still suffers from that “new state smell.” It was purchased from Russia for a cool $7.2 million, though the country at the time didn’t think it was so cool, referring to the deal as “Seward’s Folly” (so named for the fella who, according to my friend at Palin’s Office of Fast and Fun Fact Finding, bought it for us with some pocket money). As soon as we found gold under dem-dere snowcaps, all was good, though. U-S-A!
3 Bristol Palin is super easy
She may not have her mom’s American good looks (Library Barbie, anyone?), but being that Bristol did inherit Mom’s affinity for as much friggin’ spotlight — good or bad — as possible (ever so important for any politico), it’s no wonder she’s doing all she can to glamorize, or… wait, no… discourage teen pregnancy since the announcement of her own lil’ blessing in 2008. Hey, man, as a national advocate for (titter, titter) teen abstinence, bitch gets between $15k and $30k per speaking engagement. That’ll help pay for further cosmetic surgery if Mom does indeed become president… or if her singing/dancing career pans out.
4 Tina Fey, press secretary?
With most of the cast of “Predator” now retired as former governors, it’s more obvious than ever that the whole of our government is really just one big show biz foofaraw (according to that friend of mine in Palin’s Office of FFFF, the gov was actually an offshoot of our country’s failing Vaudeville scene). Since Fey has worked as hard as anyone to help get international awareness of Palin’s existence, why not wrangle the pint-sized comedian as press secretary? She could handle the news conferences like a “Weekend Update,” and, come on now: She already looks like a secretary, anyway!
5 She’s a woman!
If Obama can excite the “American Idol” crowd, thanks largely to his being half black, just imagine how galvanized the easily manipulated hordes would be over a president who’s a woman! Eat yer heart out, Shirley Chisholm, ’cause Palin’s on the prowl probably — pissed and preening her pretty perceptions of presidential partiness!