Garbage Day!

Man, the history of Father’s Day (or is it Fathers’ Day? You decide) is friggin’ complicated. Best part of all is the seemingly cartoonish but all-too-true tale of the Associated Men’s Wear Retailers, created in the 1930s to help legitimize the holiday that defies all rational punctuation.

In 1938, the AMWR was in fact renamed the National Council for the Promotion of Father’s Day, a group that decided to both promote and satirize the holiday through a faade of blatant commercialism (seriously).

Well, they got their wish. In the 1930s, only one out of six fathers received a present for Father’s Day. In the 1980s, The NCPFD declared that the event had become “a second Christmas.”

If that nonsense can work, how about these holidays?

1 Garbage Day!

You’ve either been one of the very unlucky few who have actually seen 1987’s “Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2,” or you’re more likely one of the millions who have watched the classic “Garbage Day!” excerpt from the “film” online. Either way, watching frenetic-eyebrow’d “actor” Eric Freeman gleefully scream out, “Garbage Day!” then shoot an innocent suburbanite for no conceivable reason means two things: Vote “Garbage Day!” a national holiday in the next election and make damn sure they include that exclamation mark.

2 Kickboxing Day

What the hell is Boxing Day? Am I supposed to box something? And by that, I mean do I put something into a box — like my roommate’s talking cat — or do I actually box something, like my roommate? If I put something in a box, what do I do with it? Send it to Santa Box? Or, if I box — like the sport — someone, should I tell them? Or do I just wake them up with a punch to the kisser? “Happy Boxing Day!” That’s why we need a Kickboxing Day. There’s no unseemly ambiguity viz. what it’s about: Charity. And otter hats.

3 St. Clare’s Day

Folks, there’s a patron saint of television. I’m not kidding. The fact that she died 700 years before the actual invention of TV means little to nothing. St. Clare of Assisi’s also the patron saint of telegraphs, telephones, laundry and eye disease. Being so multifaceted, screw that whole Valentine’s Day deal and let’s move on to St. Clare’s Day! We can all sit around and watch TV, eat food and, uh… You know what? We’ll just call it Thanksgiving.

4 Happy Day

There should be a holiday in which you have to be happy or else you get shot. That would be sooooo funny. It would make me happy. And then I wouldn’t get shot!

5 Real Christmas

As we all know, Christmas is a bit of a farce. And not just because its original message and purpose has been subverted over the years. Reality is JC was probably born some time in the Spring, perhaps around April. His birthday was moved to the winter in order to absorb the season’s many pagan holidays, to make Jewish kids celebrating the originally present-less Hanukkah jealous and acolytes of St. Clare happy because now everyone has even more of a reason to stay inside and veg to the boob tube. So, my idea? Let’s have Real Christmas and have it be in April. Maybe on Easter.

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