Russell Brand likes animals. He doesn t eat them. Aw. Hug.

Russell Brand and Kristen Wiig.

What a pair of hunks of Grade A, top-choice meat (replacement).

I would layer those bitches between a set of Sriracha-soaked corn tortillas, stuffed with organic capers, garbanzo beans, mixed peppers, kale and mushrooms.

These silly sweets have been named PETA’s Sexiest Vegetarians, beating out Natalie Portman, Joaquin Phoenix, Anne Hathaway and Olivia Wilde, among others. (Take that, Portman. You can’t win everything.)

Contrary to “vegetarians,” fish = animals.

Brand said he doesn’t eat fish.

Kelly Ripa asked if he takes fish oil to stay sharp and he said:

“I’m vegetarian. I think it’s cruel to squeeze oil out of a fish … Cause they’re lovely little guys, aren’t they? You shouldn’t eat animals; it’s mean to them!”

Aw. I agree.

However, a life without seared yellowfin tuna, crab-stuffed salmon, pork green chili and beef burritos would be depressing.

Sorry homies, you’re delicious. Fret not, I always pretend I’m eating the Gadhafi version of your kind.

PETA: Zip it. You’re a bully at times. I like your cause, sans your rage-filled mutiny.

Wrestling the Hulk

Just like every 26er on the IQ scale, Linda Hogan penned an autobiography.

By penned, I mean babbled sweet (faux) blonde-ings (sweet nothings? No?) to a ghost writer (who immediately regretted ditching Heidi Montag’s offer).

Hogan details her Hulk ex-hubby’s alleged violent, drug-filled past.

“I was always afraid he would kill me in one of his rages,” she wrote in the “book.”

Don’t do it, Hollywood Headaches. Self-control (blows).

Let’s leave on a high note: Oh where, oh where has my little dog gone? Oh where, oh where can he be? With his ears cut short, and his tail cut long, oh where, oh where is he? (Mezzo-soprano style).

Good talk.

Cruisin’ with the Boys

Oh my stars.

Quit playing games with my heart.

Would you like to cruise with “one of the most celebrated and groundbreaking groups of all time?”

(Answer: Perhaps?)

This news is larger than life.

No, it’s not Billy Ray Cyrus. (Sidebar: Have you seen? The mullet just woke up and gave soul patch and blond tips an Ambien. He ain’t nothing but a heartache.)

Anyway, Backstreet’s back. Alright! (Boys)

For a low price of $1,399-$1,699 (may not include fees or reach-arounds), you can join the second annual Backstreet Boys cruise for three glorious days in December.

Intimate settings, performances, beach parties and Q&As?

I want it thaaaaaaat way.

Punch me in the vocal cords for shit’s sake.

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