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The author as a young man

When it gets hot in Boulder, reactions vary. Most residents let loose a joyous cry, as summertime heralds a period of less clothing and more drinking. For many geeks, however, the advent of sustained warm weather is met with scorn, contempt and a few clumsy spells cast by people who forget that “World of Warcraft” is not the real world, though it would be totally awesome if it were. (I would be a level 85 frost mage, for the record.)

Summer in Boulder makes some members of the tech community very uneasy. Just as there are startup employees who adjust easily to a diet of sunshine, sunscreen and sunburn, there are others who blanch at the thought of consecutive 90-degree days. They shriek like vampires and scurry into our darkest coffee shops, kindly asking strangers to hang garlic near the entrance so they are further dissuaded from leaving.

I am one of those shrieking ghouls. The sun is spurious, and I don’t trust it. For all my shadow-dwelling brethren (and sisteren), here are a few tips on staying cool like the metric system this summer.

Online ordering

Every second you spend outside this summer is another second you could have spent watching Battlestar Galactica. If you must venture forth into the sun-drenched streets of Boulder to find food, save yourself some seconds and order ahead of time via Splickit. It’s a locally developed food-ordering app for that fancy phone of yours, and it works with Illegal Pete’s and Snarf’s.

All you have to do is, like, download it and press some buttons. It might scan your retina. You’re a geek, I’m sure you can figure it out.

Wear a big, dumb hat

I don’t know anything about fashion and neither do you. Or if you do, forget everything you know and trust me: Wearing a big, dumb hat is the best move you will make all summer long.

The big, dumb hat got its start during the days of cavemen. You see, our club-wielding ancestors used to attend the Kentucky Derby — just like we do — except they raced dinosaurs instead of horses. Weird! They also skipped the mint juleps in favor of mint jurassics. Weirder!

What didn’t change is the necessity of big, dumb hats. They’re not just for ladies! They keep the sun off your long, sallow face and come in a wide array of goofy silhouettes that are sure to keep you single for years to come.

Walk faster

Have you ever noticed how things slow down when it’s cold? Water freezes. Cars trot instead of gallop. When things heat up, the reverse is true. Everyone zooms around because the slight breeze it creates feels wonderful.

In that spirit, I recommend walking faster during the summer. Don’t run — that would make you sweat. Just move quickly with a determined, rapid pace like a jewel thief. Not only will the air movement refresh you, but you’ll accomplish tasks faster so that you can spend more time in your air-conditioned lair.

Staying cool is crucial to surviving summer in Boulder. I know you can do it — unless it becomes obvious that you can’t do it, at which point I’ll lie to your damned face. My minty-fresh breath will also help you stay cool.

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