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‘Hey, it’s not that hot in Colorado in August. It’s a dry heat.’

Thanks, friends and relatives who live in more humid climates, for making me dry heave about the dry-heat argument.

Yeah, it’s dry here. Our relative humidity yesterday checked in around 20 percent. That doesn’t make it nice and cool all summer long. So quit saying it’s not that bad here.

OK, we’re not talking Biloxi in the summer. The humidity isn’t 257 percent, leading to heat indexes so hot that you thought you were reading the “feels like” temp in Kelvin.

I break into a sweat just by putting my little cycling sockies on. And I’m supposed to pedal a bike? I’m exhausted and need the all-natural version of Gatorade, just after getting my feet ready for the ride.

So when your sister calls from Atlanta, use these three reasons to convince her that the dry-heat argument is bullshit:

Slimy hands

If it’s so dry here, why are my fingertips sweating?

Yeah, yeah. I know it’s hotter in Biloxi or whatever. But we have rocks to climb and Biloxi doesn’t. The only thing you’ll want to do outdoors in Biloxi is carry the vast vat of pickles you bought at Costco or Sam’s Club in from your car. (Which does require non-slippery fingers.) Maybe I don’t have a good argument here.

Point is, with those slimy hands, it’s too hot to climb. Did your sister or high-school BFF (or whoever) even know that your fingertips were capable of sweating? Well, tell her. And then ask her to send you some pickles, because they’re kind of expensive at Ideal Market.

Faster dehydration

You know in the Harry Potter movies when the dementors suck someone’s soul out?

Slurp.

That’s kinda how it feels to run or ride a bike in the dry heat of the day. (Your soul is the moisture getting sucked out of your lungs into the dry atmosphere.) And once your throat and lungs feel like you were sipping the Sahara through a straw, the soul-ish moisture is gone and you start to lose your actual soul.

When sis starts the “it’s so hot that” dealio, ask her: Do they ever sip Sahara in the extremely humidified climes?

Yes. It’s a new a foo-foo martini called the “Saharatini.” It’s made with Gatorade and tastes worse than an Appletini. (That’s possible?)

It still rains

Even though it’s super hot and dry, it still rains here. And it begins in the evening, right when you’re hoping it’ll cool off.

So tell sis that, yeah, it’s dry but your fingertips sweat and then dementors suck the water outta your lungs and then it rains in the evening.

P.S., that’s right about when you want to do fun things outside.

Gah. Despite the heat, the truth is you’d rather be here, anyway. Just let sis complain. Besides, trying to keep up is exhausting, just like putting socks on.

But it would be great if she could send pickles and tickets to the new Harry Potter movie. The theaters are air-conditioned.

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