T here are many euphemisms for dollars. Some people call them greenbacks. Others call them smackers. I prefer clams because it sounds gross. While we could bicker all day about the best slang for American currency, we can all agree on how best to use it. Dollars are meant to be spent.
(Those of you who see the value in a responsible approach to personal finance can go read something else. Shoo!)
Dollars don’t last long in my world of instant gratification and perpetually outdated gadgets. Social media compels me to update my friends about my life. Because my life is sometimes dull, I make interesting purchases to add spice to my life story. I refer to these spicy purchases as Cholula Charges — largely irresponsible but intriguing.
As I’ve received emails asking for financial tips, I wanted to outline some spending suggestions to keep your geek credibility intact amid broader economic turmoil. Succinctly put, this is how you should spend your money to stay exquisitely geeky.
Yay for pay
Many of the web’s most popular services are free. You can store photos, network with friends and stream popular music and television without paying a dime.
However, I recommend selecting the pricing option for these services that requires you to spend money. That means getting a Pro account on Flickr, a Premium account on Spotify and a Gold account on Reddit.
In truth, I have no idea what these tiers of access grant you. I’m too busy to read pretty much anything but street signs lately. All I know is that casually mentioning your pro, premium or platinum status (aka “promiumtinum”) at a party will entitle you to a second glass of punch.
Fortune favors the bold. Especially if the bold have punch-stained lips.
Buy fancy cheese
Boulder’s foodie culture has gotten completely out of hand. Someone told me that local hotels are now leaving little pieces of cheese on guests’ pillows instead of chocolate. One of the baristas at Trident even drew a hunk of cheese on my homeboy’s latte last week. Unbrielievable!
Rather than contest the rising dominance of fancy cheese in Boulder, I suggest buying a bunch of it. Not for eating, of course, but for practical applications. Goat cheese, also called weird cheese, is an aromatic alternative to sunscreen. Your friends will wrinkle their noses in seething jealousy when you join them for a hike, covered in aged chèvre.
Build a statue of your favorite local columnist out of precious metals
Some writers are clowns. Others serve as noble lighthouses, ensuring that wayward ships find their way to the shores of verbosity. (These lighthouses wear dark-rimmed glasses and have little goatees.) My last spending recommendation revolves around paying homage to such a noble scribe by commissioning the construction of a statue in his honor.
Whether made of gold or, um, gold, this statue should commemorate the unassailable wisdom this unnamed writer bestows upon Boulder residents each day — or perhaps just on Wednesdays on page three of the Colorado Daily. Direct all available funds toward the completion of this bejeweled statue so that it’s completed in time for this mysterious writer’s birthday in October.
Money is the root of all evil. It is also the root of all awesome. Let me be your spending mentor, your Spendgali.