It’s frightening to think that there are those alive today who have never known the world before the tragic events that took place on September 11th. It’s even more frightening to think that there are so many others out there who were around beforehand and can’t remember that it was September 11, 2001.
Personally, I’ll never forget how I felt when I awoke to my phone ringing at around 6 a.m. (LA time) to my mom frantic on the other end telling me “we’re under attack.” As she’s one for melodrama, I didn’t take my mom’s startling declaration too seriously… until I turned on my TV and saw that — holy mother of hatness — she was right.
Going to class a few hours later didn’t seem to make much sense, but I went anyway. Seemed like everyone else was wandering around campus equally confounded. Should we even be here right now? What do you do in a situation like this? Why didn’t they ever talk about this kind of thing in high school in lieu of endless health classes about brushing our teeth or calculus?
What a mess that was, and I wasn’t even in New York where the earth-shattering catastrophe actually took place. But most of my mom’s family and a lot of my friends were. I’ll never be able to fully understand what they were going through at the time — no one will unless they were actually there.
I can only now, 10 years later, look back knowing that sometimes, just sometimes, laughter really can be the best medicine with these five ways we can all remember 9/11:
1 Kindergarten sit-in
What better way to commemorate the first few horrific moments of the 9/11 than by re-enacting Dubya’s notorious book-reading at Emma E. Booker Elementary School? Just find a classroom filled with wide-eyed little moppets, grab a copy of “Amelia Bedelia” or something with a happy-go-lucky duck on the cover and read aloud. If you hear that something horrendous has occurred to, say, your apartment, just stay there and stare out vacantly into space. Maybe your landlord will even honor the memory by allowing you to stay in your apartment for four more years.
2 Health insurance: Declined
When you do get back to your apartment and find the place obliterated by said horrendous thing, call in neighbors, friends and volunteers to help out. If any of them should injure themselves, smile and nod. Shake their burnt hands and tell them that you’re sorry but you simply can’t offer them assistance in dealing with their medical bills. Give ’em a cookie instead and send them on their way. They’ll be fine. According to Michael Moore, they can always head on out to Cuba or England for proper medical attention.
3 Civil rights be damned
Whatever might be left of your apartment, head back there, flip on some political commentary — Fox News or “The Daily Show” et al — and call over your cats and dogs. Sit them down and explain to them that, sorry, but since shit’s gone down lately in the apartment, they’ll all be subjected to some new rules around the house. Ignore their looking like you just showed them a baffling card trick and explain further that from now on, they’ll have to be tied upside-down to the rafters while you’re gone. Safety first!
4 Cherry Bomb!
After keeping your pets comfortably in check, take a trip out of town. You deserve it! Test the subjective tendencies of the TSA by wearing a Runaways “Cherry Bomb” shirt. They must be out there somewhere, especially with the awful Dakota Fanning/Kristen Stewart movie of the same name having just come out last year. Explain to the TSA attendant that, no, you haven’t any weapons on you. Then unashamedly brandish your shirt and reveal, “Except for rock! Yeah!”
5 Mission Accomplished (Wait…)
Once you’ve figured out whatever it was that caused your apartment to blow up — faulty electrical wiring, personal mismanagement, twice bringing in the wrong roommate and then another based solely on their smiles alone — get up on your Facebook, your blog and your Twitter account proclaiming that you’re all set and no longer need to worry. Then worry a heck of a lot and empty out your bank account only to burn all the money you have. Yes, we can!