Christy Fantz has relationship advice and she’s not afraid to dish it out. Send your questions to email@example.com .
D ear Christy,
My girlfriend went to Burning Man and came back even flakier and woo-woo than ever. She’s forgetting stuff all the time and she’s too honest — in a not so nice way — because she says “her eyes are open now.” How do I calm this bullshit down and bring her back to Earth?
— Put out the Burn
Ice, ice baby:
Sounds like my weird neighbor:
“I can’t wait for the Burn, man, it’s so burntastic. It’s just like, burn, man. I’ve Burned every year for decades. Do you wanna burn?” she said, sans bra, a mini bubbler and an ounce of MMJ.
For the laymen, it’s like urinating hot sauce.
Sorry Burnies, but for us non-Burners, we get burnt out.
Bright side: She’s back in common dreaded reality. She’s absent from the confines of experimental community. She’s deprived of radical self-expression.
She has to acclimate to the culture shock of our “ordinary” society. It’s going to be tough for her to express her newfound Mermaid Sprite Faerie personality around us run-of-the-mill commoners. (One hash candy in the morning and one at night for fast, effective relief.)
So her “eyes are open now”? (A cliché card for Ms. Faerie, please.) Tell her to close them and then set her energy on fire. Just for a minute, now. Then spray it out with a 30 pack of Keystone.
Maybe she’ll come back to “us.”
If not, just burn one of my neighbor’s fatties and you’ll forget you have a girlfriend.
My girlfriend’s mom came to visit her, and when the GF’s car broke down, mom decided she needed to stick around to help. Now Mom has overstayed her welcome, but my GF won’t kick her out. In the meantime, the GF is so tweaked by this that I’m not getting any. What should I do? Or her — should she kick mom out?
— Sick of the not a mother-in-law
Not a mama’s boy:
Suck it up. Breathe. Wax on, wax off. Shotgun a beer. Punch a robot. Whatever you do to relax.
Wait till she’s been there two weeks, then chat with your chick. Nicely, now! It’s her mom. This could come back and kick you in the thong.
It’s up to your girlfriend to take the appropriate steps.
(You’re just upset mom’s horned in on your Snuggie Thursdays of HGTV, French erotica and fried pork rinds.)
If she’s anything like my mommy, that kitchen is spotless, the rugs are shampooed and the brand new espresso machine is sexy as hell. (Who cares it’s from Goodwill — look how shiny it is.) She’s a loving mama who is just there to help.
Or, pull a Fantz and avoid confrontation altogether by getting shitfaced and trashing the house every night to scare her off.