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How can a writer like me be any kind of mate-finding competition for all these sexy athletic mountain climber types all over town?

Then there’re the musicians. They get it whenever they want from the gals, and all they gotta do is strum or sing. Their audience members don’t even have to pay much attention; they just have to be there, exerting no energy at all. Heck, they could be flailing drunk on the floor, sputtering up vomit and still raise a triumphant thumbs-up to the bass player who’ll get to go home with the flailer herself that night.

But, writers, oy! Our “audience” has to actually sit down and shut their mouths for a minute. They have to take the time to read what it is we have to express. It takes work to enjoy what we’ve got to give.

Hence why, as a writer and only a writer, I’ve been spending a lot of my time alone lately. Then again, could be worse: I could be a comedian.

Those poor souls have the worst of both worlds. They have to play to bars full of drunken morons who could give a shit about what they’re trying to do, and they also have to be at least somewhat paid attention to while looking good doing it.

That’s why you should do like Arnold Schwarzenegger and “getcher ass to Mars.” Or, in this case, to the Lazy Dog this Friday night for this month’s Boulder Comedy Club. Local heavyweight Ben Roy will be doing all he can to remain sexy and funny.

Roy was recently named “the Best Personality in Denver” by 5280 Magazine, has played to audiences at the Boston Comedy Festival, the Laughing Skull Comedy Festival, the Aspen Rooftop Comedy Festival, the MTV Comedy Showcase and, most recently, the Just for Laughs Montreal Comedy Festival.

(Hint: He’s truly one of the big guys who’s quickly on his way, so catch him while he’s still local and not spending his time as the comedy foil in the next Sylvester Stallone “film.”)

The show starts at 8 p.m. with doors at 7 p.m. Roy will be joined by fellow comics Jason Keyes, Jen Luna (one of my personal local faves) and Kristin Rand. Tickets are $10 and can be purchased at standupboulder.com.

This Saturday at the Dairy Center for the Arts, you can check out Vinnie Montez and the Comedy Crew. Local comedians Matt Baca, Troy Walker, Vinnie himself and headliner Deacon Gray will be offering up the funny for one night only.

The show starts at 7:30 p.m., ends at 9 p.m. with limited seating, so get your tickets early.

And, finally, this Sunday you can head on down to Pearl Street from 15th Street to Folsom for the yearly Green Streets event from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m.

The entire one-mile road will be blocked off so that instead of running away from cars and bikes and buses, you can get involved in free classes, activities and anything/everything “green.” Should be good for a few laughs itself. Especially if you drive yer gas-guzzlin’ RV right on through the blockades, horns-a-honkin’.

Take that you hula-hoopin’ musician svelte and sexy athlete performers! Writers and comedians are people, too! Even if the only recycling we do is our material!

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