Ask Christy

Christy Fantz has relationship advice and she’s not afraid to dish it out. Send your questions to .

Dear Christy,

My boyfriend doesn’t drink. I like to have a drink or two once in a while, but it’s no fun to be drunk alone. Plus I think he kind of judges me even for one drink. How do I get him boozing with me? Or even to just have a beer?

–Too sober


Schmoozing sans boozing? Hold me.

But first, it is very entertaining to be drunk alone. You watch your mouth.

A quick jaunt through solo glory days: A pint glass topped with cheap wine, a silent disco in the living room, “Family Guy” on mute.

Oh the poor dog. Look what we’re putting him through. We look like assholes.

“I just want to pee on my tree, mama. Why are you dancing? There’s no music on. Go get me a treat, jerkoff.”

What a ripping fine decade it’s been, friends. No? Well I sure enjoyed my journey. Stop judging.

Look, some people just don’t drink. You —I — may never understand this choice.

Alcoholics, sure, you’re busting your being’s balls. Get it together.

But a regular dude not into booze? I’m confused.

You don’t judge him for not drinking, so he shouldn’t judge you for drinking. Especially if you only have “a drink or two once in a while.” (Amateur.)

There’s a chance that he may never follow you in your sloshy booze shoes. Ergo, liver’s night out could be an eternal solo mission for you, sweets.

Don’t be disheartened. Just carry a flask on dates. That movie soda? Shit, $4.50 sounds feasible now that it’s ripe with rum.

However, caution: After the date, you’re totally busted and visibly altered.

Oh dear. More booze.

Quick! Point south and yell, “Look! It’s Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man!” Then duck into the dive bar.

You’re drunk. You guys can bang it out later.

Dear Christy,

My girlfriend just did this big trail running race that she’s been training for since we met a few months ago. She finished well and I’m proud of her for that. But she was hungry and grumpy afterwards in a scary way! I love her so I need to know, is this what I’m in for for the rest of my life if I marry her?

–Cook ‘n’ Counselor

Slow the jog, boy:

Look, we’re all famished and pissy, post anything-that-involves-not-sitting.

Wait. Time the hell out.

You’ve only known her a few months and you’re talking marriage?

Interesting. Question mark.

Halt the panic attack. It seems this is the only time she has lashed out, right?

Well, well. Let’s find the root of her anger by screwing with her. Time for Hide the Veggie Sausage.

Dig a shallow grave in the neighbor’s side yard. Bury all the food in the house.

Does she still act up?

You’re an asshole. Who thinks that way?


Do you drink? Call that broad up there.

Good talk.

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