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What the heck is going on here? Ah — beer festival.

We’re slackers.

Nah. The Great American Beer Festival is just on speed.

Revision: The attendees of the Great American Beer Festival are loony.

Point being, the insanely popular Denver beer fest always sells out before you can jam a wienerschnitzel in your hole.

Hordes of beer belles and bellies jam into the downtown Convention Center, adorned with pretzel necklaces, beer hats and slurred speech to taste more than 4,000 craft brews.

I would really enjoy going one of these years, but I’m lazy. And these aficionados, amateurs and assholes snatch those tickets quicker than boyfriend when the Bieb is in town.

Have no fear. Some 450 breweries are here. This means said breweries — from all over the damn place — surely will spray their seed all over town.

There are tons of events, but here are just a few:

Night of Light & Dark: Freshcraft, 1530 Blake St., Denver along with Blake Street Vault, 1526 Blake St., Denver (next-door neighbors) are hosting rare beers from Alaskan, Stone and Odell breweries. The light beers will be at Blake Street Vault and the ark ones at Freshcraft. Tonight at 11 p.m.

Dogfish Head tapping: Euclid Hall, 1317 14th St., Denver, will have some homies from the Delaware brewery discussing wood-aged beers. They will have Burton Baton (2009) and Red and White (2009) as well as tapping a keg of 120 Minute (2011). Today at 12:30 p.m.

Christian DeBenedetti book signing: Ale House at Amato’s, 2501 16th St., Denver, will host DeBenedetti, who wrote “The Great American Ale Trail: The Craft Beer Lover’s Guide to the Best Watering Holes in the Nation.” You thought you knew beer. This guy takes you through a coast-to-coast road trip of craft beer. Go meet the man. 1 to 3 p.m. today.

There are hundreds of other events going on all weekend — including Boulder breweries taking over Denver. There will be head famed brewers from all over cracking rare kegs. Now I’m tired and want a beer. Go Google stuff.

Early morning zombies

It’s almost Halloween! Hooray! This means thongs and pasties. (She’s dressed as dental floss. B- for being inventive.) This means I get to do crazy shit with my hair, hide on my front porch and scare children.

Since Saturday is October and werewolves, zombies, sluts and monsters are marinating in the womb, the Ginn Mill, 2041 Larimer St., Denver, is kicking off the season with a Zombie Dash 2011 at 11 a.m.

The urban race features teams of two to six players facing challenges at checkpoints (trivia and such). Racers can only walk, run or use public transportation.

Don your bloody best undead and go act like an asshole on the streets of Denver.

The party ends at the Ginn Mill, with prizes and drink specials.

(You gotta be 21 and you also gotta register. Get on it.)

Info: Saturday at 11 a.m.;; 303-295-0706; $35

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