MARTY CAIVANO
Say ‘no’ to the Mo: Moustache Movember is too hairy

M ovember turns what is otherwise a lovely fall month — a month in which we celebrate the joyous start of the ski season and feasts with friends and family — into a mustachioed monstrosity.

“It’s for charity,” you men with fresh Movember porn-star ‘staches will protest. “It raises awareness for men’s health issues.”

Can’t we accomplish this in a way that isn’t disgusting to your girlfriend? And doesn’t make you look like a creep-o that should have to go door to door in your neighborhood to say that you’re a registered something really, really yucky?

Perhaps since I’m a woman, I’m not fully appreciating the one month of the year you want to sport a soup-strainer. But here are one woman’s five reasons why you should just say “no” to the Mo:

They’re not warm

One of my alpinist/skier pals recently told me that though he is plenty hairy, he never grows a beard in the winter because it’s too cold for climbing and skiing. That’s because stuff (read: snow, breath, snot) freezes to it, and having something frozen to your face is freaking cold.

Then again, another ski-dude pal of mine disagrees. But he sports a beard year-round. What does he know?

All I personally know is this: When my eyelashes freeze, my eyes feel frozen, not warm. Isn’t that the same?

They’re not gnarly

Oh boy, you went on some gnarly mountaineering expedition where you didn’t shave for a long time, so you look like a burly cold-weather tough guy.

Movember dudes: That’s not what you look like. You look like you’re hairy for the hair of it. Probably because that’s exactly what you’re doing (see No. 5 below).

P.S., what does burly expedition guy do as soon as he gets his hands on some warm water and a mirror back at base camp? He shaves.

They’re not sexy

Some women like facial hair on a guy. I was one of those gals for approximately one month. I also happened to be dating a guy — really nice, fun fellow — with a beard.

Temporarily.

If the woman in your life says she likes it, be skeptical. Use the ol’ journalist’s rule of corroboration: If his mother says he loves him, check it out. Except in this case, your girlfriend is your mother and your beard is the guy. Ooo, is that weird?

No weirder than deciding to have a fugly moustache for a random month.

They’re catchers

Your girlfriend went through five rolls of paper towels last Movember just because you had a hairy lip and love her buffalo chili. Actually saving flavor is just wrong, even if it’s (supposedly) for charity (again, see below).

It’s not working

Movember is supposed to raise money and awareness for men’s health issues, like prostate cancer, according to some random websites.

But here’s how I learned about Movemeber: a friend told me she was dreading her boyfriend’s Movember ‘stache. When I asked him about it, he said, “I don’t know, you just grow one in November, no reason — it’s just what you do.”

Or, what you do is shave. What if you all started shaving every day to raise money for prostate cancer?

No, not there. Just your face.

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