H eidi Klum is such a damn oddball.

But every Hallow’s eve, she turns peculiar into remarkable. (By golly, albeit strange.)

This year, at she and hubby Seal’s famed annual Halloween party, one of her costumes was a skinless corpse consisting of (think Lady Gaga meat dress, Body Worlds or butcher shop) exposed muscles, bones, blood, yellow prosthetic teeth, red eyes and a bald cap.

That’s my little German schiss.

Then the next day, she was a hairy primate with juggy nipples.

Thank you, Mrs. Seal, for bucking the bare-broad trend.

Ich liebe dich. Kinda.

Kardashian krap

In lieu of evading the obvious gossip of the week, I’ll settle for putting a ring on it.

Not a $1.2 million one. The bell one, if you will.

Ding.

Kim Kardashian filed for divorce after being a 10-week wife.

(How’s that for an “institution,” conservatives? On your mark, get set, go gay marriage!)

When asked about what Kim and Kris Humphries will do with all the wedding gifts they received, mama Jenner touted:

“I’m sure Kim will make a ginormous donation, as she does all the time anyway, very quietly, to a wonderfully deserving charity or children’s hospital or something like that.”

(“Ginormous.” For the love of Webster, please stop. Rub “Bajillion” in the rubbish too. Amen.)

Two quandaries:

1. Screw charity. I want my $40 Wet Seal gift card back that I faxed to Kim as a gift.

2. Anonymous donation my scarf balls. Whatever I give to charity, I’m screaming from the bar top, even if it’s the rounded-up-62-cent-at-the-Safeway-register donation for breast cancer.

“People just have to stop judging,” Kris Jenner added.

Kris, stop judging us for judging.

Hugh’s a poppa

Hugh Grant became a dad for the first time* last month.

The bloke, 51, had an affair and knocked the broad up with another mini broad.

Fret not, he likes it when we call him big poppa.

“As much as I adore myself, I’m quite keen to find someone else to care about more,” he told Vogue in a 2007 interview.

Conceit with a splash of compassion.

That’s my little British berk.

*Of which he’s aware.

Cheesy rag story of the week

“Jessica Simpson Vs. Beyonce: Whose Baby Announcement was Better?”

Ah, hell.

Simpson posted a picture of herself on her website as a knocked-up mummy: “It’s true! I am going to be a mummy!”

Beyonce revealed on the MTV Video Music Awards: “I want you all to feel the love inside of me.”

Seventy-three paragraphs later, Us Weekly called the competition a draw.

OH MY BARS.

Pass the Pepto.