Christy Fantz has relationship advice and she’s not afraid to dish it out. Send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org .
D ear Christy,
My boyfriend has been eating way too much Halloween candy for days. He says he feels awful, but he keeps doing it anyway! Last year, he did the same thing at Easter, Christmas and Thanksgiving. He says he wants to get married and have kids, but what kind of parent would he be?
–Crashing sugar high
Who has Thanksgiving candy?
That, ahem, holiday is filled with gorged birds and jiggly cranberry rolls. Not candy.
Back on track: That’s totally my husband’s bag, baby. Hey! I got married Friday. Whoops.
Anyway, Mr. Fantz in Your Pants and I went to Target last week and while I was perusing break-resistant polycarbonate plastic wine glassware (classy), the Mister slipped a five-pound bag of candy into the cart (those foul Warheads were in the mix — which, by the way, are made in Denver — what a waste of malic acid taste) along with four boxes of Mike and Ike, Hot Tamales, Skittles and Life Savers Gummies. (Fine, the Mike and Ikes were mine.)
Regardless, the candy is gone.
As is the toilet paper.
If he’s just your boyfriend, it’s a tough ration to run.
I have reign to ration. That sucker married me. (By ration I mean, of the candy he heaped in, I only made him return one box of gummy bears. I blow.)
Just let him get sick, he knows his limits.
Now if it’s affecting things like: dinner plans, eu scent de your bathroom, sex life, etc. — then you can piss and moan.
However, you know that age-old statute of cutting kids off from pleasure? They just want it worse. (Like when the church batters every damn human action possible to hell — that college freedom will turn you into me. Danger!)
Here’s what you do: Coat all the candy in malic acid.* That shit tastes like farts.
*WARNING: Eating multiple Warheads within a short time period may cause a temporary irritation to sensitive tongues and mouths and also may have a laxative effect.
I think I’m in love with a guy, but he lives in Montana. Do long-distance relationships ever work?
— Lonely CO girl
Get a grip:
Nope. Unless you hate sex.
Fine. I mean, I suppose they can.
I’ve never known one to…
The point of a relationship is to grow in love. Bond with eye-to-eye conversation. Hold hands. Caress thighs. Gaze into each other’s pants.
Fondle. Do shots. Play video games. Get tanked. Bang like teenage boys.
The human touch is powerful. (Ladies and gentleman, it’s Tony Robbins.)
Either tell Montana to move here or go bag yourself a local chap.
The situation really all depends on the individual, but if that individual is like me, fuck that.