It’s common knowledge the holidays give many folks the blues. (That’d be Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s… not Talk Like A Pirate Day, Bat Appreciation Day, or Corndog Day. If you’re down in the mouth then, there’s something wrong with you.)

But with Halloween behind us, we can either leap straight to Christmas like Target and Michael’s and I want us to do, or we can fight the good fight and focus on the less-celebrated although no less interesting holidays that come beforehand… this very weekend, we can choose from Panama’s Colon Day, England’s Guy Fawkes Day, or our own Saxophone Day (a day for walks in the rain, Mr. Bubble and saxo-mo-phone music).

But who are we kidding? Just thinking about celebrating those holidays makes this girl feel like staying home with my imaginary friend, Tony, and writing “redrum” all over the mirrors in mom’s lipstick. Seeing as how that’s a Christmas tradition and we’re attempting to stave off the inevitable, it appears we’ve just given ourselves an excellent reason to make up better, stronger holidays.

I officially declare this Sunday, Nov. 6th, to be National Hand Turkey Day… hopefully the White House endorses it before this column goes to print; as of now, a Google search for the soon-to-be-beloved festival of construction-papered-and-painted poultry results in nada.

“The History of the Hand Turkey” by Elizabeth M. O’Grady ( claims the earliest record of the noble bird was found amongst the cave paintings at Lascaux, dated from 13,000 B.C.

This is all the factual evidence I need to launch a celebration I feel is long overdue. I’ve made hand turkeys in November since I was old enough to jam a crayon up my nose, and I’m willing to bet many of you have too. (My nose-cave drawings only date back to the ’70s.)

Think you don’t have the technology or technique to make a hand turkey? You could be right if you don’t have hands, a pretty dexterous left foot, or know anyone willing you loan you theirs.

For those of you unfamiliar with this grade-school awesomeness, grab a piece of paper, saunter up to a dirty windshield, or bust out your roommate’s forehead because I’m about to give you detailed instructions on how to rock out your own sweet hand turkey.

Step One: Put a writing utensil in one hand. (For best results, choose the left one.)

Step Two: Put the other (a.k.a. “right”) hand on something. (Preferably something that won’t land you in jail; hand turkeys have a whole other meaning in the pokey.)

Step Three: Trace yer dang hand.

Step Four: Remove hand from drawing surface.

Step Fifteen: Add a triangle to the outline of your thumb and an eye or two if you’re feeling sassy. (Doesn’t matter where — this will simply indicate which way the turkey is looking.)

Step N-Wolf: Legs would be good to add if you don’t want your turkey to appear too lazy to stand up.

Step Done: Adding character, pizzazz and a bit of glamour to your turkey is simple enough if you’re willing to give the bird some flair. Adding a jaunty cap, a festive brooch or even a plumber’s crack to your Hand Turkey will set him or her apart from the flock or “rafter.” (Note: 15 pieces of flair is minimum. Brian, for example, has 37 pieces of flair on his hand turkey, not to mention a terrific smile.)

Happy Hand Turkey Day, folks, and Hallmark, feel free to call me.

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