Ask Christy

Christy Fantz has relationship advice and she’s not afraid to dish it out. Send your questions to fantz@coloradodaily.com .

D ear Christy,

I have a question about sex. How many times per day is too many? As many as you can without having um, physical complications? Confession: I’m having frequent UTIs. Is five times too many?

–Antibiotic Queen

Bacteria broad:

The beginning of a relationship. Aw. Allllll shiny.

Unfortunately, my University of Florida diploma (which acted as a paper towel for six years), just reads BS in journalism. (Since when is journalism science? BS, indeed.)

I’m not a doctor, so let’s go with this.

Didn’t your grandma teach you to piss like a champion after a gentleman pounds you like a pattycake?

Oh, woman.

UTIs blow. You, my clouded-urine dear, are well aware of this. Your punch card for the pharmacist totally gets you the 11th amoxicillin free,* doesn’t it?

My doctor instincts (friends) tell me that some girls are more prone to UTIs than others. This may be you. (Although, don’t get your hopes up, you’ve been getting stuffed like Ben Franklin’s wild turkey. Um. Right.)

If you don’t have to tinkle after he shoves in his winkle, then get in the shower and scrub downstairs for an hour. Not really. It just rhymed.

But really, wash that bacteria out, homegirl.

The number of times you bang is not up to me. I can’t give sex a number. Sex is a slut and I’m taken. It cannot call me.

Anyway, if you are fine with pissing fire, then so be it. However, if it bothers you — as it seems — you may need to give the humping a power nap.

Fret not, he probably won’t go anywhere because you spread your legs every couple of hours. But if he does… you still have that 12-inch machine in the closet.

*With purchase of Gas-X. Damn fine print.

Dear Christy,

My girlfriend has serious Catholic guilt. She moved in with me six months ago but won’t tell her family that we’re “living in sin.” I don’t get it, and I really don’t get why doesn’t she feel guilty about lying to them. How do I get her to calm down and enjoy our sinful situation?

— Loving agnostic

Sinner:

The guilt of religion is only understood by those whom it is forced upon.

It split-peas into your brain and condones all offenses. Miss a Sunday mass? Eat meat on Friday during lent? Fight with your siblings?

Your soul’s salvation be damned.

When people are brought up beat down by wrongs, it piles up in the conscience and makes the person feel inferior and weak. Woe is you.

Woe is me, goddammit.

Never fear, it’s not contagious.

You have to be patient. She’s breaking her rules. Her soul is confused, but trying to keep peace. She doesn’t want her family to think she’s canoodling with Satan.

You two can enjoy your “sinful” situation just fine. You just have to tell her daddy what she wants.

What if she gets knocked up, you ask?

Immaculate Conception, bitches.

Good talk.

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