Just do the Turkey Trot to burn some calories, like these folks did. Because these Thanksgiving tips are ridiculous. Photo by Joshua Buck, for the Colorado Daily
Joshua Buck/Times-Call
Just do the Turkey Trot to burn some calories, like these folks did. Because these Thanksgiving tips are ridiculous. Photo by Joshua Buck, for the Colorado Daily

Google tells me the average Thanksgiving meal is about 3,000 calories.

That’s more than most of us, including you readers who are entire prairie-dog towns, should eat in one day.

But if you’re determined to do it anyway — and perhaps twice — perhaps you should prepare for traditional Thanksgiving gluttony with some tips that are about as sensible as eating 9,000 calories in one day (Grandma’s, girlfriend’s grandma’s, other Grandma’s):

Do math
Not entirely trusting Google, I dug deeper, to last year’s Washington Post calorie counter, which has pictures of the food you’ll want to eat, the activities you might do and a calculator for the two, so you can balance them.

Yay, Washington Post, you understand that the only math I do is calculating the tip at Mountain Sun.

Make your plate and throw in some activity, like running. Then take the remainder, multiply it by 9, then divide by pi. That’s the number of calories you should burn every day between now and Thanksgiving. Take the cosine to find out how steep of a trail you need for the chased-by-bear portion of your exercise this weekend.

Did I forget to mention the chased-by-bear part? Oops. It’s under section 3.2 of the Fields Fitness Code, paragraph two on Adrenaline (and other hormones) and Calorie Consumption.

Crunch to steel
If you turn your abs into steel, they won’t stretch on Thanksgiving. It’s just fact. Kind of like it’s fact that the fancy green steel in “Atlas Shrugged” is awesome. Not that I read far enough to find out who John Galt is.

But I bet he had washboard abs that stayed intact on Thanksgiving.

Bulk up
Muscle burns fat. So get huge now, Super Swoll.

Protein helps you build muscle. So consume lots of protein. Old school: raw eggs. New school: Mix1 shakes.

Or just eat a whole turkey by yourself.

Wait…return to that math equation above. Then tell me how much tip to leave for two Java Porters.

Ride to the farm
In order to go into calorie deficit now for your vegetarian Thanksgiving, ride your bike out to the Tofurkey farm.

Tofurkey is made by Turtle River Foods in Hood River, Ore., which is a 1,196 mile pedal from Boulder. I don’t know if they actually make (grow? raise? mold?) the Tofurkeys in Hood River. But if you ride all the way there without eating along the way, Tofurkey will (finally) sound appetizing.

Treadmeal
Forget about preparing ahead of time. On Thanksgiving Day, roll your treadmill up to the table at Grandma’s. Warm up first, then load your plate and get ready to keep an eye on your heart-rate monitor so you stay in that coveted fat-burning zone.

When you’re eating turkey slathered in gravy while running in the fat-burning zone, it is also the puking zone.

Or just go for a hike. But consult paragraph two of the chased-by-bear provision first. Otherwise you won’t know what to do with your copy of “Atlas Shrugged” on the hike.