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Oh, cannibals. Pray tell me why?

Tastes like chicken?

Well, chicken also tastes like chicken and it — in fact — is chicken. Neat. It’s available in the meat aisle — a skip and a jump from the pickled herring. It’s cheap. And it’s also — how do you say — not a slice of your mom’s upper thigh or the barbecue-soaked small of your dad’s lower back.

We had quite the famous cannibal who feasted on flesh in Colorado — Alfred Packer. He was convicted in 1883 for snacking on citizens.

Guess what else? His grill is right behind you. (If you’re in the UMC.)

Anyway, Trey Parker (co-creator of “South Park” and our own Buff alum) created “Alferd Packer: The Musical” as a film student at CU in 1993 and was later released in 1996 as “Cannibal! The Musical.”

The Bug Theatre, 3654 Navajo St., Denver, is hosting the live theater adaptation of the blood, guts and utterly asinine (=awesome) musical numbers based on the film.

See it on weekends at 8 p.m., through Nov. 26.

(Postscript: CU’s got a set of balls, no? A grill named after a cannibal? Clever.)

Info: Friday and Saturday at 8 p.m.; bugtheatre.org; 303-477-9984; $15.

Does Kermie need Viagra?

Miss Piggy and her counterpart Kermit are in their late 50s.

Damn, those fools look good.

Growing up with the Muppets, ambivalence has tainted my love/hate of those rowdy creatures.

PROS:

Jim Henson’s babbling plush created a faux world for us juvies to snuggle up to. (Two feet from the TV. It’s OK. I ate carrots.)

My brother’s Labradoodle is Animal’s double.

I’ve been told I laugh like a Muppet. (Yes, that’s a pro, goddammit.)

Rowlf.

CONS:

That crazed racket spilling from the fuzzy yappers in grating decibels is … Kerrrrrrrrrrmie!

Beaker is terrifying. Hold me.

Crazy Harry.

Let’s boil this down to celebrating the new “The Muppets” flick coming to theaters Wednesday. (Don’t you dare higher-than-thou me.)

Jason Segel co-wrote and stars in the fuzzy flick alongside Amy Adams, Rashida Jones, Jack Black, Zach Galafianakis and Chris Cooper — where the fluffy (and waxed) cast try to save the Muppets Theater from… uh… whatever ails it.

In celebration, the Landmark Esquire, 590 Downing St., Denver, is getting ready for the flick by celebrating Henson vintage with 1984’s “The Muppets Take Manhattan” with a midnight showing Friday and Saturday.

Info: Friday and Saturday at 11:55 p.m.; 303-352-1992; landmarktheatres.com.

Summertime(ish)

What’s a little Will Smith, mixed with a splash of Jeff Townes?

“Parents Just Don’t Understand.”

DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince infused hip hop into the ’80s/’90s with this hit that won the first rap Grammy in 1989.

Of course, Will Smith went all Hollywood.

“Parents Just Don’t Understand” went all lazy spooning its damn Grammy for two decades.

DJ Jazzy Jeff has been, uh … in Denver?

Well at least on Saturday night he will be — mixing his hip hop/soul/house tunes at Beta Nightclub, 1909 Blake St., Denver, Saturday night.

Info: Saturday at 9 p.m.; 303-383-1909; $10-$12.

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