W e are not nice to everyone. Sometimes we are downright cruel to people, but only because they make the mistake of crossing us. In the old days, people settled things in person because they were forced to. Whether via fisticuffs or arguments outside the saloon in a two-horse town, things were settled in a blunt and satisfactory fashion.
Now, the internet affords us a degree of distance with which we can conduct petty warfare against those who have made us unhappy. It’s far from noble, but it’s all we have. If you’re currently at war with a friend or someone in the community who just irks you, I want you to crush them on the fiercest battleground we have — the internets. Here are a few tips on how to digitally shame your foes into submission.
Tag your enemies in unflattering photos
Facebook is the battleground with the broadest reach, given the 200 billion people that flock there every day. In order to prod your enemies into irate action, track down photos of them where they look like gargoyles. Post these photos to Facebook, tag them and watch the spittle fly.
You may also take this tactic a step further and tag your foe in photos of items that people hate, such as any album by Nickelback or Ashton Kutcher’s bewhiskered face. If you are a skilled Photoshop user, you can even paste your enemy’s face onto Johnny Longhair’s face (or whatever the lead singer of Nickelback is named) to double the venom.
Create Foursquare venues around town that invoke your enemy’s name
While Foursquare doesn’t have as many users as Facebook, don’t let that dissuade you from launching a savvy offensive against your adversary using location-based means. Foursquare, a service that allows you to check in at various places around town to keep your friends apprised of your whereabouts, also allows you to create new places if they don’t already exist.
While this is useful for adding new businesses, such as Tossa Pizza or that cheesesteak place that opened on Folsom, it’s also useful for creating venues that invoke your enemy’s name and vex them mightily.
Let’s say your antagonist is named Rick. Why don’t you create a restaurant named “Rick’s House of Blistering Inadequacy” and situate it beside IHOP? Or you can create a beauty salon named “Ugly Rick’s Beauty Salon.” The point is to fill Boulder with as many anti-Rick locales as possible so that he punches you in the nose the next time you see each other.
Create the best cat video ever
Cats pics and videos are the only stable currency left on the planet. People love them without restraint and will defend their civil rights long after it’s fashionable to do so. In order to deal the deathblow to your opponent, I encourage you to acquire a cat and spend a few weeks filming the best cat video ever. Something that Mashable will fawn over as a true game-changer.
End this video with white text that reads, “My enemy Rick deliberately stepped on this cat’s tail. Destroy him.”
The internet hive mind will go to work destroying your enemy, and you can sleep soundly knowing that a bunch of freaky strangers are doing your work for you. Don’t hate, delegate.