MCT
‘Tis the season for eggnog.

Remember when we wanted to go to the bar after Thanksgiving dinner to wash down corpse turkey with Wild Turkey?

Remember when it was closed?

That blew.

Since most bars (establishments, period) are closed for most major holidays (I have to work Christmas, so screw you guys), at least 3 Kings Tavern, 60 S. Broadway, Denver, knows how to play with the drunks.

The gritty rock bar is hosting its F@#K X-Mas Party on Sunday at 9 p.m. There will be scantily clad dudes and broads (burlesque, boylesque, beerlesque), karaoke, sing-alongs, stripteases — you know, the origins of soul rot, according to Santa.

Speaking of that fat ass. Since he only stuffed your stocking with creditors, go drink away the pain of the season with the best of ’em.

Info: Sunday at 8 p.m.; 3kingstavern.com; 303-777-7352; free.

BALLS!

Any bar that has a Ping-Pong table is just darling ducky.

Mr. Husband Fantz and I get in teenage-rage matches at the Highland Tavern, 3400 Navajo St., Denver. He thinks he can beat me at everything. I think he’s a jerk. (xo)

The only problem: Balls fly everywhere amid patrons gnawing at the Tavern’s popular Porkstravaganza.

This positions me doggie style, fetching stray balls under booths in a skirt.

Fine for me. Most of Denver has seen my ass. But you — you have class. So let’s go fondle the big boys’ balls.

Every Tuesday, EXDO Event Center, 1399 35th St., Denver, hosts SMASH! (easy there) — a big Ping-Pong party with 25 tables, where five bucks gets you unlimited Ping-Pong all night.

The joint always has a DJ and a full bar on hand. Happy hour is from 5 p.m.-7 p.m. and 11 p.m.-close with $2 wells and $3 domestics.

Since we should all stroke extra balls every given Tuesday, let’s go get SMASH!ed. (Stop yelling at us.)

Info: Open Tuesdays at 5 p.m.; exdoevents.com; 310-266-7202; $5

Heebonism 2011

Jews, we got your back on Christmas Eve.

Since all your Christian homies will be lapping up tree water (drunks) and waiting for Santa’s bowl full of (resin?) jelly, we’ve got a party for you.

Saturday night, City Hall, 1144 Broadway, Denver, is hosting Heebonism 2011, whose motto is “Something old. Something newish. Nothing Christmas. Because we’re Jewish.”

Well hot buttered rum, this event is growing — more than 500 people are expected for a night of dancing, DJs and drinking. Plus there will be a photo booth, vintage arcade games (Skee-Ball!) and even a menorah lighting.

Get your ass in there early, there’s one free hour of cocktails — but only until 9:30 p.m.

Info: Saturday at 8:30 p.m.-2 a.m.; e-3events.com; $18-$25

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