Editor’s note:

Christy Fantz is on vacation. In the meantime, pants-related questions are being handled by a dedicated committee of Daily writers. Up this week is outdoor rec reporter Jenn Fields.

Dear Mrs. Fields:

Please explain to me the proliferation of the one-and-done attitude with male-on-female oral. I don’t see it as unlike making a man a nice meal within the first few months of dating: you can’t feed him all nice and then expect him to eat Pizza Rolls from then until eternity. How does the go-down the first time around with a new gal pal exempt one from future trips to the YMCHeyyyyyyy? I can attest it isn’t a hygiene issue.

Signed,
Please Check Into My Box – I Have Drink Specials

Inbox:

I’m appalled.

I’ve been out of the dating game for a while. Is this how single boys behave now? Aghast. I’ll add this to my list of reasons I suspect this Mayan calendar thing really is going down.

Speaking of going down, this is non-negotiable, guys. No exemptions. If you’ve once-and-doned your gal pal, know that there are consequences, and the consequences are scarier than the deed (if fear is the issue).

As Sylvia Plath said, “Untongued, all beauty’s bright juice sours.” I don’t know whether she was talking about oral sex when she wrote that, but whatever — if we don’t get it enough, we’ll sour on you. We’ll complain to our friends, loudly, and in public places, like your favorite bar. We’ll tweet about it, blog about it, write in to advice columnists about it. We might even go to your guy friends for advice. Did he do that with other girlfriends?

Awky.

Dudes, you might ask: What is the big deal? Ha. You don’t understand the female orgasm. Of course, no one really understands the female orgasm. (Seriously, I saw a documentary on HBO with scientists and stuff.) But the fastest way to attempt understanding is to take tongue to va-jay-jay and see what happens.

Since I’m a lady and don’t really get this, I went to a single guy friend to find out why a man would one-and-done a woman. His reply: “Sorry, I never met a pussy I didn’t want to eat.” Well that’s helpful. But he did go straight after the hygiene issue, which you claim is a non-issue. To be absolutely sure you’ve eliminated taste as the culprit, wash up, friend, then leave an edible oil or lotion out on your nightstand next time your gentleman lover comes calling. Chocolate? Strawberry? Power Bar if he’s a triathlete or runner or something? You organic folks can make your own. Google it.

Otherwise, I’m forced to assume you’re dealing with either selfish or fearful lovers. Fearful lovers can be taken by the hand (tongue?) and encouraged with your stellar communication skills.

Selfish lovers? One-and-done back at you.


Dear Faux Fantz,
My partner is a flirt. Although I love her charming swagger, it is often difficult to step over the numerous bodies that have fallen for her. I never doubt her loyalty. Recently I asked her to turn “it” down a few notches out of respect for our relationship. She has but she continues to collect infatuates. Any advice?

-Tired of Tripping

Doubty McDoubterson:

So, you say you never doubt her loyalty…but even though she honored your request and turned it down a notch, you’re still worried?

I doubt that you “never doubt her loyalty.”

Let it go, friend. A partner with a big, charming personality can be a lot to contend with. You love it…and so does everyone else. If you’re the jealous type, you’re basically screwed.

But she chose you and even toned down the swagger for you. Aww! Now your job is to have the confidence that she meant it and continues to mean it. Let go of the worry and embrace the confidence. Confidence is sexy. She’ll be all the more willing to stick by you if you have your own version of that swagger.

Also sexy: Getting her a new bike or skis.

Also also: See the first question.

Good talk.

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