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Look at that face. What a damn doll you are, Zooey.
Associated Press
Look at that face. What a damn doll you are, Zooey.

If I were a dude I’d totally try to get in Zooey Deschanel’s skirt.

I have a girl crush on her. She’s so damn cute.

That’s all.

Butter, butter, butter

Type 2 diabetes, also known as adult-onset diabetes, kicks (primarily) obese adults in the ass later in life.

Paula Deen, 64, just revealed that she has had type 2 diabetes for the past three years.

(Her? No.)

“Here’s the thing: I have always encouraged moderation. On my show I share with you all these yummy fattening recipes, but I tell people, ‘In moderation. In moderation,'” she said.

Accept our gratitude, dear, for continuing to peddle deep-fried lard balls three years in the know.

My arteries hurt.

It’s so complicated

Avril Lavigne, 25, and Brody Jenner, 26, broke up.

Apparently the couple sparred on balancing their relationship with each career pursuits.

She “sings,” eh? (She also sings “eh.” Canada. No? Ahem.)

And he… waxes his Kardashian stepsisters’ mustaches for a living? Perhaps.

“Every time he wanted to come back and take meetings to get his career back in order, she would make him go to Asia and Europe,” a source told Us. (Lavigne released a fourth “album” in March. Who knew?)

What a sad life, Brody. Now get back to work. That coarse Armenian hair is casting shadows of the five o’clock variety.

A Diaz disaster

Who saw Diddy’s bitch Cameron Diaz at The Weinstein Company’s Golden Globes afterparty?

You didn’t watch E! until 3 a.m.? Loser.

Associated Press lacked a photo of said mess, so allow me to elaborate:

Hair: Circa-1987 Glenn Close (post-French kissing the electric socket).

Dress: 1987 women’s blue and black Speedo(esque) tight dress mess.

Arms: It’s like Madonna’s biceps ate a man.

Headline of the week

“Justin Bieber Becomes a Brunette!”

He’s pretty.

I’m thirsty

Beyonce and Jay-Z’s baby sounds like a martini.

Blue Ivy Carter.

What a pair of assholes.

She wasn’t ejected?

Lindsay Lohan made a surprise appearance at the post-Golden Globe parties.

She had a pantsuit on.

Who wears a pantsuit?

Who says “pantsuit”?