Ask Christy

Christy Fantz has relationship advice and she’s not afraid to dish it out. Send your questions to fantz@coloradodaily.com .

D ear Christy,

My boyfriend is always trying to get me to do weird stuff. Like the other night, he wanted me to lick his eyeball. It’s nasty, and every time he watches a new reality TV show, he comes up with more nasty ideas. How do I get him to quit? Kill his television?

–For my eyes only

Ojo Malo:

First of all, INTERVENTION.

Tell your BF to stop watching reality TV. How’s dating a chick working out for you?

I jest, gentlemen. You can watch reality tube. Damn sad cases.

I had a friend who enjoyed the weird eyeball-lick fixation, so I tried it. (Shh. Frankly, it was a neat experience for both parties.) However, it failed to turn me on because I’m not a fucking freak.

No, you can’t kill his television (what a fab ’90s tune by Ned’s Atomic Dustbin). It would be like him killing your ceramic ion flatiron you pissed away $300 for.

Tell him he’s shocking your libido. (Not that way, dirty birds.)

Tell him you don’t fancy chewing eye boogers.

If he doesn’t back off, then beat that boy with tricks:

Ridicule him for watching “Jersey Shore” and “Real Housewives.” Subscribe him to Us Weekly. Have a party. Display his address on the celeb rag to the lot of his friends. Make his homepage Perez Hilton.

Then — then — you have to be a good girlfriend and compromise because you made him cry like the girl that he is. Tell him to make a list of the top 10 things he wants to Snooki you, and tell him you’ll pick three.

Give the poor lass a break. The kid helps you through 13 outfits every Friday night.

Again. Reality TV? What the?

Postscript, have you ever had Ojo Malo?

Abort mission.

Good talk.

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