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Some things cannot be avoided. Stumbling while learning to walk as a child, for one, cannot be avoided. Pimples aplenty during your teenage years, for two, cannot be avoided. Outlandish and exaggerated Super Bowl commercials on the day of the big game, likewise, cannot be avoided.

No one is cool enough to resist them. You surely have a handful of friends who must let everyone know that they’re not watching the Super Bowl, just to reaffirm their contrarian lust for life. That’s fine. Football itself is pretty boring unless there are werewolves involved. Commercials, however, are a mirror for our most shameful desires. Even the most pigskin-resistant oaf will submit to the power of sweet, sweet marketing and watch a handful of the very best ones.

As I was watching on Sunday, it occurred to me that with all the appeals to buy chips and beer and phones and cars, there wasn’t a single Super Bowl commercial that attempted to sell viewers on the most high-tech, fashion-forward, extravagantly absurd thing on the planet — Boulder’s tech community.

Why doesn’t Boulder’s geek population have a Super Bowl commercial? Is our infuriating and well-documented air of entitlement malfunctioning? Boulder’s geeks don’t ask for much, but we surely deserve our own Super Bowl commercial. I’m talking about a 30-second sales pitch that tells America that Boulder’s web developers are so developed, they’re well past developing and may have to start re-veloping just to pass the time until everyone else catches up.

We’ll, of course, need a celebrity endorsement to help the commercial stand out among the multitude. It’s customary for high-profile actors and musicians to lend their talents to the Super Bowl marketing machine, so we’ll have to plan accordingly in order to make our spot reverberate with as many people as possible, regardless of their geek history.

We have our own homegrown celebrities, of course. Hosea Rosenberg springs to mind. There’s also that dude who folds himself into a box on Pearl Street. I wonder if that particularly plump squirrel over in Goss Grove would be up for the job. My buddy Ray-Ray is pretty famous, I think. He wears sunglasses while shopping at Target, and that’s a pretty ironclad sign of superstardom.

We would also have to select a hashtag to accompany the commercial. That was a definite trend this year — each Super Bowl commercial had its own Twitter hashtag so that users could discuss the ad specifically and the brand’s marketing team could track that conversation. For Boulder’s geek commercial, I’m recommending something pun-based and memorable. Consider #humblebutbetterthanyou or #buffaloquacious.

As for how we’ll pay for this Super Bowl commercial, I’m leaving that up to my faithful readers. NBC, which aired the Super Bowl, charged an average of $3.5 million for a 30-second commercial. That may seem like a daunting figure, but I think we could amass that much cash if we held a single garage sale and sold off all our North Face gear. Someone else handle the logistics, please. I may even contribute one of my cat’s Patagonia jackets with the reinforced paws.

We missed a major opportunity to trumpet our tech community, I know. We’ll secure funding and take advantage next year. Let’s get super, Boul… der.

Ef Rodriguez writes about geeky stuff once a week for the Colorado Daily. Sack him at pugofwar@gmail.com.

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