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Lionel Cironneau
Colombian singer Shakira poses after receiving her Chevalier in the Order Arts and Letters medal giving by French Minister of Culture and Communication, Frederic Mitterrand at the 46th MIDEM (International record music publishing and video music market) in Cannes, southern France, Saturday Jan. 28, 2012. (AP Photo/Lionel Cironneau)

S hakira almost got attacked by a sea lion.

BARK.

Aren’t they the slippery version of a yellow Lab?

(This reeks of when I was harassed by a gorilla at Busch Gardens in Tampa, Fla., but that’s in a minute.)

The singer wrote on Facebook: “I thought to myself how cute they were so I decided to get a bit closer … and went down to a rock trying to pet them doing a baby talk while taking pictures…”

Judgment day. Snaps and barks ensued. Shakira was “paralyzed by fear.”

Tip, Ms. Latin Hips: A mean ol’ Florida gorilla taught me that belittling mammals is undignified.

Once upon college ago, perusing the gorilla habitat at the Tampa amusement park, a big dude was perched against the glass maddogging the hell out of me. I — for a lack of verbiage — began motorboating the window one inch opposite him. His crossed arms uncrossed and his fist punched the glass. He re-crossed his arms and continued to glare at me like the primate I am.

Whatever. His ass was way fatter than mine.

Anyway, lessons learned from our speech-impaired fuzzies and floppies: Let them pick their asses in peace.

Or something like that.

I only need a minute…

A few snide Grammys snaps, then we’ll return to high-society hearsay:

Kathy Griffin: Whoever is still inviting her to shit, please stand up.

Fergie: How was that adult diaper under that orange mesh dress? Ah. Open bar. Good thinking. Can’t be too careful.

Katy Perry: Condolences ex-Russ flew over the “Fraggle Rock” nest, but you look like a blueberry. A stupid blueberry that gives me irritable bowel syndrome.

Grammys: Why don’t you and Chris Brown get a room?

Corinne Bailey Rae: Wins my Dapper Damn prize. Hair, shoes, dress. Points, bitch.

Selena, sans her mans

Is the Bieb cracking his pink latex whip?

His girlfriend Selena Gomez dumped The Scene. (The Scene. Of Selena Gomez & The Scene. Get it together, people.)

The band is taking a hiatus after three albums so Bieber’s woman can focus on acting.

She’s signed on to star in “Spring Breakers” with James Franco and Vanessa Hudgens.

Of course she is.

Lindsay’s daddy is a mess

Michael Lohan is living as an outpatient at a halfway house for steroid abuse. He was spotted applying for a job at Burger King.

That’s the best shit I’ve read since “The Situation” announced plans to develop a video game of some sort.

Grope, tinkle, lactate. GTL, baby. GTL.

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