How to exact Valentine’s revenge in an outdoorsy fashion

You had high hopes this year for Valentine’s Day, and your boyfriend dashed them all over the rocky Flatirons.

Actually, he was at Rocky Flats. I saw him belly up to the bar with his boarding buddies for apres. I was there for my annual supplication to love-goddess Venus with vodka.

He ditched your dinner to chase powder. He thought you’d understand since you snowboard, too.

Sure, you understand. But the fancy dinner you made (in the middle of a round of midterms!) doesn’t understand. You know because without him there, you talked to your food like a pathetic, lost lov-ah.

If your lover left you in a lurch yesterday, try one of these tips for Valentine’s revenge:

Quick hike
Tell your girlfriend, who bailed on you last night to hang out with her man-hating gal pals, whose man-hating ways you tolerate on a regular basis, even though they lack the basic courtesy to hate. Then say, “no offense to you, though,” that you just want to go for a quick hike.

Turn the quick hike into an epic.

When she says she’s hungry, remind her that if she’d come over last night, she would have the box of chocolates you bought her. You know, that special one you requested, honey, after you called the ones I bought you for your birthday “death chocolates?” The huge box of organic, fair-trade, gluten-free, vegan chocolates made by women in third-world countries who are starting their own businesses to escape poverty and oppression?

When she asks for a headlamp at dusk, remind her those women don’t have electricity.

High-country ditch
The boyfriend was supposed to take you out last night. Instead he got so drunk with his buddies that he couldn’t even drive over to pick you up for dinner. He hitchhiked to your house with a creepy dude with about 17 too many Ron Paul bumper stickers and got upset when you said you weren’t getting in the car with them to go to Cheba Hut for dinner.

This weekend, plan a trip to Breck or Jackson, or wherever, together. You’ll even drive, you say. Have fun skiing or riding together part of the day. Then, when he stops somewhere to pee, take off.

Drive home without him — he can hitch a ride back to Boulder in a car with the bumper stickers of his choosing.

New gear
You were hoping for a new pair of climbing shoes for Valentine’s Day, especially since your boyfriend bitched at you that yours smell terrible. Instead, he went climbing on Valentine’s Day and didn’t even invite you. Plus, he gave you some lame excuse about trying to buy you roses but “the rose store was out.”

Rose store?

Sell his shoes at the Sports Recycler, or on Craigslist — however you can get some cash for them quick. Now, immediately after wearing your shoes for the last time, leave them under his pillow, or in his school backpack. Buy yourself a brand new pair with the cash from his shoes.

When he asks what the hell you were thinking, tell him you thought he said his shoes smelled terrible, and that yours smelled like roses. Simple miscommunication. Whoops.

Wait.

Wait. It’s not right to use outdoor activities for vengeful purposes! And you should share your outdoors time with people you love — and who love you in return.

Go for a long hike or bike ride and think about whether this dipshit is worth staying with for another Valentine’s Day. If you can’t figure it out, turn your hike into an epic.

And bring that giant box of fair-trade chocolates. You might need it.

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