Worst-dressed in the outdoors, not Oscars

In the afterwash (backwash? What?) of Academy Awards, some enjoy reveling in the ensuing best- and worst-dressed lists. But perhaps now is a good time to take a look at the worst dressed in our outdoors and fitness pursuits.

This is a sensitive topic. Kind of like trying to talk about politics or religion. So I’ll proceed with tact and elegance and do my best to give you a gentle clue that you might be on that worst-dressed list without making you feel hurt and embarrassed.

But yeah, I’m talking to you, guy who wore baggy shorts and no underwear to hot yoga. Wear underwear under there next time. At the very least, you should’ve been in the back of the room, Cap’n Commando.

Here are some other styles I’m wagging at:

Shorty harness
This question goes out there to both (all?) genders, surprisingly: Why did you wear short-shorts to the climbing gym when your harness just wants to creep up and around them?

When you put those shorts on, did you say to yourself, “Hey, wouldn’t it be awesome if I could spend two hours at the climbing gym yanking the minimal legs of my shorts down at every opportunity?” 

You’re supposed to climb. Your shorts are not. Keep them grounded and wear something slightly longer next time.

(Confession: I totally wear short shorts to hot yoga. It’s different. You know how hot it is in a hot yoga class? Cap’n Commando does.)

Snowboard butts
Even if you don’t think that having your ass hanging out of your pants is the fashion fail of your generation, you have to admit it makes no sense for a sport in which every time you hop off the lift at a resort, you sit in the snow to fiddle with your bindings.

If you can explain/defend why snowboarding is better when your fancy waterproof snowboarding pants are hanging below your butt, I’m all ears. Please text your answer to SOGGYBUTZ303.

Nordic sweats
I’ve been cross-country skiing a lot this winter, and I’ve noticed an alarming trend: wearing a downhill ski get-up for this intensely aerobic sport.

In Alpine skiing, you need to be warm in the wind, and for the lift ride up. In Nordic skiing, you ski uphill, which is one of the most intense workouts you can get in the winter.

Maybe you’re trying to sweat off some weight. Like those wrestlers I went to high school with who would overdress to sweat and then spend the day spitting into a soda can.

So, new trend: Take an empty soda can Nordic skiing and spit into it as you go. Dehydration looks fabulous at altitude.

Baggie blues
Dear guy in that yoga class I went to, whose junk I saw: You are not alone.

I’ve no qualm with baggy shorts. The issue is in the use.

Going for a run? OK. Lifting? Baggy shorts are fine.

Climbing at the gym, where your harness bunches around your loose, lightweight shorts awkwardly? They better be long shorts.

Going for a bike ride in those baggy basketbally shorts? Ow.

I’ve said enough.

Bib tuck
If you are a cyclist and own a fab pair of bib shorts — which have no waist, just suspenders, and are therefore incredibly comfortable — please, please, please do not tuck a T-shirt into those shorts.

You can’t hide anything under that skin-tight lycra, and no matter how you smooth out that top, it’s not going to smooth enough. There will be bumps. Lumps.

And there’s only one place that those are acceptable under your cycling shorts.