Hollywood Headaches: Headlines of the rich and famous

H ollywood Headaches gathers dirt from a plethora of “resources.”

The best is when I press my ear against Hollywood’s bedroom wall. Hearsay’s alive, with the sound of stupid. (And tears of a clown. And zoo noises.)

However, when I can’t spy on ‘Wood’s wood (Yeah. I typed that.), the online sources I peruse utilize cheap attempts to reel in readers with “juicy” headlines. (You’re a juicy headline.)

Found on Yahoo’s OMG!: “Kim Kardashian Looks Trashier Than Usual.” “Christina Aguilera Flaunts Massive Cleavage, Wears Bizarre Hat.” “Kristen Stewart Goes Topless Plus What Else She’s Been Up to Lately.” “Beyoncé and Blue Enjoy the Big Apple as Jay Dedicates ‘Glory’ to All Parents at SXSW.”

Someone give Yahoo a Xanax.

Editors, clean house. Your staff reeks of puns, farts and almonds.

Call me.

Postscript: Who invited Jay-Z to SXSW? Stop jacking the limelight from the lil’ bands, you spotlight glutton.

Hamm vs. Kardashian

There’s a skirmish in Jon Hamm’s pants and Kris Jenner is not coming. (RSVP read ‘no’ for both spellings.)

In an interview with Elle UK, the “Mad Men” star ripped Hollywood’s favorite celebutantes new wax holes.

“Whether it’s Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian or whoever, stupidity is certainly celebrated. Being a fucking idiot is a valuable commodity in this culture because you’re rewarded significantly.”

Old Pareeee was too busy bleaching her asshair to comment.

However, Kim blah, blah, blah-ed via tweet.

“Calling someone who runs their own businesses, is a part of a successful TV show, produces, writes, designs, and creates, ‘stupid,’ is in my opinion careless”

War!

Nah. Hamm has better shit to do. Like groom Matthew Weiner’s chest hair. (Not really, but the “Mad Men” creator’s last name is Weiner. Ha.)

I’ll take that “Mad Men” sandwich with extra Hamm.

Martha makes cupcakes

Martha Stewart is slated to star on “2 Broke Girls.”

Neat.

So, in the future when the two broke girls are sentenced for grand theft,* they’ll call on good pal Martha for counsel.

Martha touts two rules of prison (in my head): Bite the bed sheets and avoid the dentist.

This way, when foreign objects invade foreign orifices, cottonmouth a day will keep the dentist away. (As well as a mouth guard.)

*We broke, we steal. Speak for yourself.

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