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W ith the pending closure of Daddy Bruce’s Bar-B-Que, which dispensed meaty goodness in Boulder for more than 30 years before lately succumbing to financial woes, I have begun to ponder the notion of loss and reliance and those annoying winds of change.

Businesses come and go, but barbecue is forever. While there is some solace in that maxim, I wonder what life would be like if some of my favorite geeky essentials disappeared. Recurrence begets reliance, which is to say, the more often something occurs, the more you expect it and rely on it. If a constant in your life were to vanish, what then?

Let’s use a local example.

What if all the beards in Boulder disappeared? Think about it. What if all the dudes in Boulder were suddenly clean shaven? All the hipster scruff, the geek-in-the-basement whiskers, the meticulously maintained Mountain Man beard — what if all that facial hair moved to Niwot, leaving behind the supple, dimpled skin that has been shielded by bro-shrubbery for so long?

Not to be an alarmist, but life in Boulder would be changed irreparably. All that chin-scratching that our male population engages in when they can’t think of something clever to say would go missing. In its place would emerge a host of new, annoying gestures that would alter our city’s character. Dudes would start thumping each other’s chins in agreement and tugging each other’s chins when their opinions clashed. That’s a bunch of nonsense. Keep Boulder bearded.

More to the focus of this column, what if there were no tech startups in Boulder? Just as the loss of Daddy Bruce’s Bar-B-Que (which is almost as delicious as startups) has thrown my world into a dizzying tailspin of sobbing, shouting and depressingly small quantities of quality brisket, a sudden dearth of startups in Boulder would be disastrous to my quality of life.

Without a healthy supply of startups and the impish glee with which they approach their lives here in town, there would be far fewer things to do around these parts. Boulder startups are responsible for some of the most delightful, innovative events in town, such as Boulder Denver New Tech (a startup showcase on campus) and BoulderBeta (a startup showcase that’s not on campus).

If I didn’t have them to occupy my evenings, I’d end up leading a life of petty crime, stealing brisket from local grocery stores to make up for the loss of Daddy Bruce’s as well as giving me something to distract myself with.

Not only that, with zero tech startups in Boulder, there would be a crippling reduction in witty conversation at our finest coffee shops, tea houses and the food court at Whole Foods on Pearl. Sparkling repartee is one of the chief reasons people move to Boulder, in case you didn’t know. Geeks and startup workers provide some of the sparkliest asides, which buoys the local economy by way of Boulder residents flocking to these establishments to surround themselves with the latest vocalized meme speak.

This would, naturally, lead to the town’s utter destruction or whatever.

To avoid this catastrophe, I will do everything in my power to keep plenty of startups in Boulder. While my ardent love of brisket could not save Daddy Bruce’s Bar-B-Que, I will not fail again.

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