George Clooney is releasing a new brand of tequila.
Aversion therapy has me visualizing shades of Diddy.
Trauma!
After bouts of nausea, I realized, “Eureka!”
Clooney, I absolve you from your capitalist scheme because when I’m famous, I shall make my own whiskey. Bottomless booze. Bam.
Heed, George: If you start making cologne I’ll throw you at reality TV so fast you won’t know what pinched your squishy little ass. (It was me.)
Escape from the throes of Hollywood!
“Jennie Garth Escapes Hollywood With New Reality Show.”
First person who finds the pile of oxymoron barf gets a free Marlboro Light.
(I like chemicals.)
The former “Beverly Hills, 90210” alum will premiere “Jennie Garth: A Little Bit Country” on CMT next month.
Oh, passe.
After divorcing Peter Facinelli, of “Twilight,” Garth said the show will focus on her transition of being a single mom (her three daughters are 14, 9 and 5) into her desire for a more simple life.
I’ll give you a more simple life.
(There’s a CMT?)
MuuMuu
It’s clear Jessica Simpson is ready to squeeze out a chubby Chihuahua (the size of a standard Poodle) out of her special place, but does she have to dress like such an asshole?
There was a picture of her sporting a green — I don’t know what.
A curtain from Denny’s? A Motel 6 bedspread? Carnie Wilson’s thong?
Inappropriate.
Publicity at its cheapest
There was an “exclusive clip of mythical Madonna/Minaj kiss” that surfaced online.
I didn’t care, so I didn’t click.
But now you know. And knowing is half the battle.
Deep diving
James Cameron submarine(d) to the deepest spot of the Earth.
He said it was “desolate” and “foreboding.”
Precisely how we’d imagined Tara Reid, but shit James, you go straight to timeout for that mouth on you.
What was that, Associated Press?
“The scale of the trench is hard to grasp — it’s 120 times larger than the Grand Canyon and more than a mile deeper than Mount Everest is tall.”
Shame on you too, AP.
Tara, time to clamp that crotch.
I should write and illustrate children’s books.
