Hollywood, put down the pipe. Re-motivate and sing us a spanking-new script.
Sequels: 60 percent of the time, it works every time.
That doesn’t make sense. We concur, Ron Burgundy.
“Anchorman 2” — Will Ferrell has announced the return of Ron Burgundy. I’m so excited that I would piddle down my knee socks, but that feat was accomplished in alley Friday night.
“Dumb and Dumber” — Jim Carrey announced he will reprise his role as Lloyd Christmas in a sequel to 1994’s flick.
The “Dumb and Dumber” script has become quite the addition to the Fantz vernacular, so I must say I’m a hair adverse to a new one. The film is already 19 years old. It should be smoking dope under the bridge downtown and knocking up high school girls.
“Friday” — It’s (almost) “Friday.” And yes, I have a job. Plus, I’ve got shit to do.
Ice Cube announced that another sequel is in the works. Maybe they’ll call it “Next Friday” or “Friday After Next”?
“Last Friday” it is. Goddammit Ice. My neck. My back. My neck and my back.
“American Pie” — The franchise blew its wad on Y2K shit, so now it’s in need of mortgage money.
Maybe “American Reunion” will suspend silicone off a steep cliff. Oh, Tara Reid, where are you, dear?
“Twins” — Never saw it. Thinking of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “acting” makes me want to punch a Subaru. (Oh hush with your “Terminator” bullshit.)
‘Ello Govna. That “trade” of yours grades just a slightly higher caliber than Laura Prepon’s. Egads.
And Danny Devito, you jerk. From “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” to playing “Triplets” with that big oaf and Eddie Murphy?
Just tell them use your stunt double, Bubbles.
Some 28-year-old broad snatched up Alec Baldwin.
Oh, how she wins. (Not in the Charlie cli-sheen way.)
She bags a dapper dude with coveted wit, dry theatrics and quite the bank account, pending prenup.
Alec, if you ain’t no punk, holla “we want prenup, we want prenup.” Yeah!
He, 54, proposed to girlfriend Hilaria Thomas, whom he credits helping him to regain his girlish figure. (She’s a yoga instructor.)
You charm his pants off woman or he’ll call your unborn daughter a thoughtless little pig.
Speaking of old shits hopping in quarter-life crisis’ panties… Bruce Willis, 57, and his wife Emma Heming Willis, 33, just had a baby girl named Mabel Ray Willis.
Mabel joins her half-sisters from his previous marriage to Demi Moore — Scout, 20, Tallulah, 18, and a 23-year-old chin, Rumer.
Headline of the week
“Zac Efron’s Rules For Big Screen Kissing: No Tuna Sandwiches!”
Does pretty boy want a cracker?
“I had a kissing scene one time [on a different movie] and I ate a tuna sandwich and it was the first [scene] I had to do and I got called out on it. It was so embarrassing… You don’t do that, don’t be that guy!”
Oh. He’s speaking for himself.
I just thought he didn’t like tuna. That’s what it says in the men’s room.