T hough I’m a big fan of the horror movie genre, I am seldom truly horrified. I’ve seen summer campers cut in half, beach-goers dragged into the water by unseen claws and a romantic night at Inspiration Point ruined by the arrival of the zombie horde. In all these cases, I was startled, but not genuinely taken aback.

No, it takes something much more grotesque and inscrutable to make my Herculean body shudder. Take, for instance, the recent reports of teenagers drinking hand sanitizer in order to get drunk. This is truly terrifying because it’s so perplexing and gross.

What I’m trying to say is that I tend to be more shocked by pedestrian-yet-offensive behavior than eye-widening violence. Consider some of the behavioral trends emerging in Boulder’s tech community, both in real life and online. I’ve seen some very questionable things going down on the streets and among the tweets, and I wanted to draw your attention to them in case you thought it was safe to go back in the water.

Owning a flip-phone

I thought it was understood that if you own a flip-phone, you’re not allowed to just whip it out in public. I’m pretty sure I was briefed on a city ordinance that explicitly states that flip-phone users are prohibited from walking around Boulder, unsheathing their flip-phones and flaunting them all willy-nilly. I mean, there are children around. Have a little decency!

I don’t mean to sound like a prude. I share Boulder with people from all walks of life, and I respect their rights and freedoms and clipboards. However, if you unfurl your greasy little flip-phone in a lascivious manner whilst I’m having a biscuit at Lucile’s, someone’s getting a hot plate of Fists Pontchartrain.

Auto-sharing via Facebook

Facebook’s Social Reader feature allows users to frictionlessly share content they read directly to the social network, after having given initial permission to the app. While the idea of sharing cool stuff with your friends without exerting much effort looks good on paper, it’s an absolute nightmare for people who have to sift through your nonsense each day.

This goes not only for articles that you read, but also those apps that blast out “Jiggy Fresh just ran 4 miles” or “Jiggy Fresh just checked in at International House of Fists Pontchartrain.” Kill that noise. Kill that noise with fire and brimstone and then use a Slap Chop to dice the remains into smaller remains that will fit neatly in the garbage disposal.

Not including a photo on LinkedIn

Okay, here’s the deal. LinkedIn is not a sexy network to join. It’s not built for rapid-fire updates like Twitter is, and it’s not as good at chronicling the debris of your life like Facebook is. It’s a tool for networking, finding jobs, finding hires and learning from people who have more experience in your field than you do.

If that’s not for you, don’t join. If it is, then upload a photo of yourself, you big dummy. I don’t know why this bothers me so much, but it does, so I want you to fix it. Go do it. I’ll wait.

The scariest things on the streets (and online) aren’t always ravenous monsters. It’s usually flip-phones and people who aren’t afraid to show you theirs.

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