Justin Theroux proposed to Jennifer Anderson and she said no.
Story: According to OK! Magazine, the couple was on top of the Eiffel Tower when she got pissed he didn’t propose. On their next jaunt to Rome, he felt bad and surprised her with a proposal. She said no.
This bitch is more bipolar than that furry was in your roommate’s bed last night.
Like the furry, Aniston wants it to “feel right.”
Tangent: I wonder if Bronies bang in My Little Pony costumes?
Stepmom beater
Mel Gibson’s stepmom filed a restraining order against him.
While the court papers and I played a round of dominoes last night, they told me:
“Mel has sunken to new lows over the last year by committing several acts of domestic violence against his 78-year-old stepmother.”
Oh dear. Oh Mel. Oh Jesus.
Speaking of Jesus, here’s my image of an evening in the life of Mr. Gibson:
After polishing off a handle of Canadian (he would) whiskey, Mel foxtrots around his living room with a life-size Jesus cardboard cutout — risen Jesus (zombie!), not bloody Jesus.*
While he drunkenly stumbles over his pair of Louboutin pumps (who says pumps?), the rage erupts like John Travolota’s tighty whiteys in a bathhouse (just come out, dude, nobody cares).
Then he proceeds to beat the pulp out of his cardboard friend.
Then he cries.
The court papers think I’m exaggerating a tad, but I think they suck at dominoes.
Watch out, Mel, according to them Christians over there, Mr. Messiah is coming back. He may hit you with a dragon.
*Look. It’s a scientific fact that when people rise from the dead, they turn into zombies. Either that, or Rodents Of Unusual Size. At least that’s what Medusa told me.
Cooper’s closet
Word on the street is that Anderson Cooper came out of his lavish closet.
(Much like ye who still don Uggs, the street hasn’t left 2002.)
“The fact is, I’m gay, always have been, always will be, and I couldn’t be any more happy, comfortable with myself, and proud,” the CNN anchor wrote in an email to The Daily Beast.
Congrats buddy. We think you’re hot.
Good talk.
Headline of the week
“TomKat Divorce: Was Scientology the ‘Other Woman’ in Cruise-Holmes’ Marriage?”
Actually, Mr. Headline, we think Scientology was the ‘other man.’
Nah. It was John Travolta.
Travolta twice in one column! It’s like Christmas in July.
